Through The Fire
by Unbridled.mind
Summary: NicoleAntonio ColinJessJack. Please R&R. Chapter 21 is here sooner than you and I thought it would. I recommend this fic not because it's my own, but because I love it. Read it, you might too. Enjoy...
1. The UnFinished Murder

Hey guys; I'm back. I had to exhale and channel creativity without forcing it or controlling it. As usual I intend to take chances so hopefully you'll connect with it. Thank you guys so much and enjoy!

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"_The search continues for…_" Antonio was trapped in a cycle of repetitive behaviour. Glances at the clock on the wall were broken by scrolling through the PDA and flicking through the diary, only to resume counting down the minutes. _"…wreaked havoc in the D.C. area. Thus far five young women have been found, raped then murdered in their apartments…_" His favourite voice stopped him from going crazy with preoccupation.

"We're not going to make it. Have you heard about the serial killer-rapist her in D.C.?" She said in reference to his niece's quinceañera.

"Of course. She'll only turn fifteen once." He replied with the onset of guilt.

"I know you feel bad."

"I think the word is awful. You know I've missed every birthday my nieces and nephews have ever had, that's not to mention Christmases, baptisms. All I had to do was get to Val Verde this evening and I…we've missed it. We're on the case right?"

"Number six was found by her boyfriend an hour ago. The forensic psychologist is in the bullpen."

"Okay. I haven't sent a gift."

"I mailed it yesterday, I had a feeling this would happen."

He took in a sudden breath and there she was. Doctor Raquel Marquez in all her captivating beauty, emitting charms like a radioactive atom; he was caught in the half-life. She had a way of commanding the way he breathed, possessing him with that voodoo women use to render men powerless. Whether it was seated behind her eyes or below her navel, she cast spells that like ropes ran ring around his ankles and like handcuffs bound his wrists together in a submission that could only be overcome by avoiding eye contact.

"I'm sure you're all well-informed." Pollock declared. "Victim profile?"

"Blue collar, early twenties, waitresses, Caucasian, mid-back brown hair, childlike facial features and they all live alone. He follows them home after their shifts but lack of forced entry implies they let him in."

"Weapons?" Nicole asked.

"Derringers."

"All the victims live in public housing right?"

"Yes, so no CCTV from the buildings. The rapes about power; rushed, rough and they're still in the uniforms. A few resisted but most surrendered out of fear or despair."

"And the murders?"

"A gunshot to the head, close range. His time is limited. The murders take place between 11p.m. and 2 a.m. He never leaves a physical trace; no semen."

Antonio picked up on her jittery behaviour but tried not to mention it; she hated to feel under scrutiny. She read through the autopsy reports in his offices then made a demanding request.

"I'm not redoing the autopsies." He protested.

"Not all of them, just the two that resisted rape…and victim number six."

"You got a theory?"

"Everyone leaves a trace."

"I'll try. Are you okay?"

"Peachy." She replied unconvincingly.

Jess stopped in the hall, consumed by a vision. A chef stood in a boxing ring with three lights shining overhead. There were flashes of white lights accompanied with the sound of pictures being taken. Jess climb un the stairs and over the second rope into the ring where she saw the six deceased victims each rolled in dough on the ring floor. She touched the face of victim number six, Vanessa Bright, who then became animate. Her grey-blue hands held Jess firmly by the arms and shook her. "You're not trying!" She screamed.

"Believe me; I am."

"Why didn't you find me? Will you find her?"

"Who is she?" Vanessa looked up at the lights and as Jess did the same, the Chef dragged her by her hair. By the time she turned around, the chef had gone.

"See?" Vanessa said, still looking at the lights.

Janey's voice mocked her. "You're wasting time little Jess. Wake up!" One of the lights went out and Nicole came into view.

"What'd you see?"

"We're running out of time. There's going to be a number seven."

Raquel assisted Antonio at the autopsies and Nicole was right, there were minute traces of DNA found in the cotton of their uniforms but nothing on the database to match, while they ran a blood sample from under Vanessa's nails, they caught up with each other.

"They must love you here." Her comment was draped in elusive cloth.

"What do you mean?"

"In Baltimore, married Agents would both get the boot."

"I guess we're lucky."

"I know she is."

He tried to decode Nicole's distant behaviour, knowing she wouldn't want to and couldn't be coaxed into sharing it until she was ready, yet still unsatisfied. His impatience was an itch that never cooled until it was scratched but what she wasn't telling him left his skin inflamed.

"I can think of more creative ways to spend five hours." He said, holding her tighter.

"I bet." She said, moving his hand back to her hip.

"Nic, what's wrong?"

"It's just stuff. I'm fine." She turned off the lamp in hopes of ending the conversation.

"If it's,"

"I'm fine, really." She repeated to convince herself more than him. Rubbing his arm soothingly and kissing him so as to make him forget what he was thinking was futile; he thought of Raquel.

Jess went to sleep with no thought of the man who crept in next to her; her mind was penetrated by her vision. She and Jack had become close, so close that with him, she did one thing she said she'd never do. Lately she had been consumed by an inner quiet caused by her transformation into a woman who became more different to her old, safe, Indiana self everyday. Now she shot people without remorse left her reports undone for an all-nighter at a club and forgot to do one vital thing.

Antonio woke up to the sound of Nicole rustling in the dark.

"Is it four already?"

"No. Jess called." She replied, putting on her jeans.

"To work?"

"To talk.

"I wish you'd tell me what's wrong."

"Please let it go."

"How is it you always make me feel guilty for caring?"

She exhaled deeply. "I don't understand why it's all or nothing with you. If you give me space I will come to you but I have some things to figure out on my own first.

"Fine." He uttered in his trademark, passive-aggressive, Cancerian tone that conveyed wounded pride.

Nicole placed the brown bag on Jess' desk and sat beside it. "It's not so hard; I'll even take one with you."

"It's not the test, it's the results."

This isn't supposed to happen to me."

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Nothing's even happened yet."

"It's been ten days Nicole. I don't want this baby."

"There's only one way to find out if there's a baby to speak of."

Before Antonio and Raquel arrived that morning, they each took a pregnancy test; only one was positive.


	2. Unexpectedly

By 9.00a.m the team assembled in the bullpen with Pollock who was eager for progress.

"I think the lights represent days. If that's so then we have two days and counting to find the perp."

Nicole flicked though the files in her right hand. "The rapes are uniform but the murders aren't. The perp used a knife on number three."

"Not to kill her though. The examiner on site didn't find any other blood samples." Antonio contributed from the other side of the room.

"But she resisted and so did Vanessa. It's possible that they fought before they got into the apartment."

"I agree. The neighbours said the elevator wasn't working that night." Jess said.

"So he followed her up the stairs? I'll be there in twenty minutes." Raquel picked up her jacket.

Antonio stared at Nicole. "I'll go too."

Jess raised her eyebrows. "Don't ask." Nicole mouthed in return.

Antonio retrieved the blood samples from a rail between the third and fourth storeys with Raquel in close proximity.

"I heard you were engaged."

"I was then I met his evil twin."

"We all have one."

"I disagree. I still believe in humanity's extremes; angels walk amongst men, devils too."

"Anyway, even if this sample matches the others it still won't show up on the database."

"I remember you being a lot more optimistic."

Nicole closed her flip-phone, hanging up in bemusement, back at the field office. "You won't believe this." She exclaimed to Jess who wasn't all there. "The blood they found doesn't match Vanessa Bright's. The high levels of progesterone confirm the perp is female."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"In your vision, there was a chef with six baked goods and we're still waiting on the seventh. Has the second light gone out?"

"No."

"Good, then we have over a day to find her if we don't sleep."

"Trust me, I wont." Jess blurted out in a grave tone that matched her demeanour. Nicole rubbed her arm.

"Whatever you decide, I've got your back."

Jess nodded and then tried to stop thinking about it. "So," She was sucked into a vision, the conditions were the same as the last one but this time Janey was taunting her more than before. "Stupid little Jess screwing up again. I have to admit; this is bad, really bad. So what are you going to do? Lose your job? Lose your boyfriend? That big scary partner of yours doesn't respect you anymore; she finally sees what I see. Lost little Jess wallows in the pity of her mistakes. How does it feel to be the most…?"

"Anything new?" Nicole asked with concern.

"I'm sorry, I'm distracted."

"Can you call Antonio for the blood type?"

"Sure."

"I need to call in a favour at the Criminal Records Bureau."

"And I need to think." Jess replied with solemnity.

Only when he was searching the computer database for similar cases did Antonio realise he was been within ten feet of Raquel all day. She recalled her findings in relation to the piles of blue plastic files on his desk.

"I found six-hundred and forty-one women of the O Rh negative blood group aged twenty-one to thirty five living in D.C of which four have serious criminal records; all accounted for. Although, they all have medical insurance so our perp doesn't have to be on record. Are you okay?"

"Why'd you ask?"

"That's defensive."

"It's been a long day."

Jess knocked on the door to his office, not sure if she liked what she saw. "The second light went out. We have less than twenty-four hours. I just realised, the flashing lights in my vision were about notoriety."

Antonio handed her a manilla folder. "There's a list of similar cases based in D.C that gained state-wide or nationwide coverage."

"Nicole needs us in the bullpen."

Dated pictures of two men and a woman in their twenties and a young girl were attached to the board.

"Of the cases, you found none match this one on more than seven counts which lead me to think there were one-time criminals instead of serial ones which matched our criteria. In 1974, Trent McGuire the notorious drug dealer, had the wife, Julia, of his former associate Joseph Mill, killed and raped in their home in Chillum. Their daughter Josephine left D.C. for twelve years and returned after changing her name to Michaela Sous. Michaela Sous is a regular blood donor of the group O negative."

"I'll call you with the results." Raquel said on her way out.

"I'll visit her father in Cheverly." Jess announced, but she didn't make it far before she had another vision.

"What'd you see?" Nicole asked.

"A bun."

"Number seven?" Jess looked at Nicole, transmitting a silent message.

"A baby?" Antonio guessed, oblivious of how right he was. "A bun in the oven."

"Uhh…maybe." Jess responded before recovering. "All the victims look like Julia so the next should too."

"Did Trent McGuire have any kids?" Antonio spoke the first words he'd had for Nicole since the morning.

"Two daughters and four sons. Jessica, the youngest, matches the profile."

Antonio started typing rampantly on the nearest laptop. "She works at Springflowers, a restaurant on 3rd Avenue and Rope Street.

Nicole thought to herself; it's been a while since we ate out. Pollock materialized, completely unnoticed. "Bring her to me in one piece. I don't think these young women died so horrifically for their killer to be excused with a quick death. Where's Mastriani?"

"Following a line of investigation sir." Nicole lied, as Jess planned to interview Joseph Mill without a warrant.

"Tail her and…"

"Search his home for evidence." Pollock walked off with his hands in his pockets.

Antonio approached her with caution of her way out. "I'm not a mind-reader Nicole. I try to understand so the least you could do is tell me what's bothering you."

"Your insistence." The elevator door closed and he didn't try to stop it.

Nicole sped down the highway with Res' 'They say vision' playing on repeat. The intermittent phone signal with Jess wasn't promising. Her internal voices were in conflict; on one hand she wanted to tell him but she wasn't sure she knew how. How could she explain what she went through with Kelly from switching beds to praying in the dark? She looked back to the times she winced in silence and coiled her body in reaction to an unwanted, forceful hand. Conscious in her senses yet young and devoid of understanding; a child losing their innocence at the hands of those whose role was to care. For years the vulnerability left her stripped of her worth carrying an unspeakable shame that couldn't be translated into words back then, but now she possessed that power and silence was choice not fear. A few weeks before while unpacking the boxes in the garage, she found old photographs and had since been flooded with memories of why they were boxed and hidden in the first place. They never left a trace, just baggage; as if not being raped was some form of recompense for suffering molestation though at times she wondered if she was and simply forgot in order to function.

She thought she'd closed the door on it and wouldn't have the demons of the past invade her home; instead the tension of miscommunication reared its head and created a gulf between them. The last thing she wanted to feel was alone in her marriage and it killed her to think at times he felt that too. Her attempt at calling him was in vain, his corny voicemail message rang in her ears as she wanted to reach him somehow.

Jess wasn't surprised to find Nicole waiting down the block in her Camry. In the driver's seat, she vented on the one topic furthest from their work. "I'm not ready for this Nic. We don't even live together. There we were in the comfort zone and now this. This isn't supposed to happen to me, not like this. What am I supposed to do?"

"You could stop using the word _this_ to distance the situation from yourself. What did Jack say? You have told him, right?"

"I had no choice. He's almost happy in a never-want-to touch-you-again, shocked-to-a-point-of-silence kind of way."

"If I were you I'd consider all the options."

"I've already made up my mind. I had even before I knew. I'm not keeping the baby Nic, I can't."

Pollock weighed the base ethics of using Jessica McGuire as bait against the greater good of capturing Michaela Sous in his mind at the trial. Janice sat beside him as an avid follower of the story since it first broke on Channel 5 news. Jess' wrist was still sore from the takedown. She was now five weeks pregnant and her abortion was scheduled for the next day. Nicole was on the brink of having enough courage to tell him but his attention was diverted; Raquel was heading back to Boston very, very soon. As she took the stand, the victims' families heard her testimony and wept at being confronted with the things they feared the most. After the trial, Nicole got a moment alone with Antonio.

"I don't want to fight with you. I really don't." However, he had already anticipated her saying something else and was ready to give her the cold shoulder in return. Her words had thrown him off kilter.

"I have something to wrap up in Georgetown; dinner?"

"Sure."

Jess sat beside Nicole who was reading old issues of magazines at the clinic. She and Jack had been on a confusing warpath lately which is why he wasn't there. He didn't know what to do and left the decision in her court which made her feel stranded.

"I hope it was nothing I said." Nicole admitted, she wondered if she'd done something to sway her decision.

"It wasn't I decided."

"Well, you can always change your mind."

"I know. Before I went to Quantico I said I'd never change."

"Nothing and no-one stays the same."

"I wish I had. If I had never come to D.C.,"

"You did and you can't change that."

"Tell me I'm doing the right thing."

"You decide that for yourself."

The nurse at the desk called. "Gillian Monroe?"

"That's you. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes." Jessica exhaled and stood up. Nicole gave her a hug and Jess followed the nurse through the white double doors.


	3. Calm Before The Storm

When Nicole finally found an opportune moment to tell him what had been getting in the way all he could feel was a guilt that made no space for pity. He was able to convincingly feign compassion, which usually would have come from an altruistic place, if he hadn't gone to Georgetown with Raquel right after the trial. His guilt was accompanied by a queasy feeling; what she said had made him physically sick and although he knew more of her than most people did, it did change the way the way he saw her. He'd always wanted to make her feel safe and never understood why she placed security within herself above anything he had to offer until now. It was because she had to recover and rebuild on her own in order to become the woman he fell in love with and nothing could change that; not even the kiss he shared with Raquel or the way she enraptured him. He thought that for as long as she remained an object of unadulterated lust, the worst that could happen lived only in his mind and posed no threat to what he and Nicole shared.

Keeping that musing close, they spent a harmonious long weekend indoors, only venturing out to go fishing by the Potomac, half a mile from their new house in the Palisades. Deep down Nicole hated fishing but the breathtaking view was enough to keep her coming back.

"Beats shopping huh?" He joked and he reeled in a trout. The sight of the dangling trout made her skin crawl.

"Shopping comes second to sex and sex alone." She replied. He tried to get her to touch it before she threw it back in the water.

"You're such a girl." With that, he landed with his back on the grass, courtesy of a swift Aikido move she'd learnt back in Sacramento.

"Really?" She asked as he pulled her down with him.

Jess was relieved to see Jack on the other side of the door. Although he had a key to her apartment, he knocked anyway as he wasn't prepared for whichever mood she might be in. He was relieved that she decided for the both of them but she was unsure of where that left the relationship.

"Why should I let you in?"

"Because you love me." Inspired by the detection of a trace of arrogance, Jess slammed the door in his face and loved every split second of it. "Look, I know you love me because you're still standing by the door listening to what I have to say."

"I might be."

"Okay, I can do this here. I shouldn't have let you make the decision."

The door swung open. "Let me?"

He couldn't help being both aroused and taken aback by her accelerating anger. "Yes. Not on your own. The truth is; I didn't know what to do and I thought you would know what was best. Can I come in?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"Well while you're thinking, I can deal with whatever you decided to do."

"And why is that?"

"Because I trust you."

"Why weren't you there?"

"Where is there?" He asked, still unaware of which choice she made.

"I meant, there for me and if you say something remotely sarcastic I swear I'll…"

"Make me your love monkey?" She had to give him credit for being the first person to make her laugh in days, so she relented and let him in. "That must have been one tough decision."

"It was."

"I think you made the right one…for now."

"Dare to dream."

"You always resist what you want the most, including me and my good genes."

"How do you manage to turn every situation into a moment of self-aggrandisement?"

"I'm generous with the truth."

"Have I changed that much from who I was in Indiana?"

"I think you've become who you're supposed to be."

_Is that such a good thing?_

The groove of Kool and the Gang's Love Holiday filled the kitchen and danced with the spices to recreate an atmosphere that belonged in a different time. Having been schooled on Cumbia, Duranguense and Colombian Salsa by his family, Nicole returned the favour by giving him a wider picture of the music that played in her nostalgic maternal grandfather's house. He was impressed by how easily she could recall songs she hadn't heard since she was a kid. In the short time they knew each other; they shared the belief in the healing power of music.

"You're not going to help at all?" She asked, hoping her Sancocho de Gallina tasted better than it looked.

"You're doing fine." His convenient response was reflective of a male Cancer's ideal, she knew they loved domesticity, stability and comfort but she wasn't ready to hang in the towel to her high-energy lifestyle yet. She just couldn't see herself ever being comfortable with it like most of the women who lived nearby. He poured her a glass of wine.

"Usually you've checked in with your mom by now."

"She has a man Antonio."

"And?"

"That means she won't have time for me."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. Men are her weakness, her first addiction."

"What is that smell?" Antonio recognised Nina's voice for its distinct feature; it was always an octave higher when she was excited. He stared at Nicole, gloating about how right he was until Nicole took one look at her and said, "Tell me all about him."

Nina put her magazines on the granite counter and talked non stop for so long Antonio had retired to the couch by the time she was done.

"…so, we're going out tonight and I want you help me pick an outfit that says;"

"I'm sexy but not trashy, that's not too smart, not too casual, knocks him dead but leaves something to the imagination and, fabulous. Right?" Nina laughed in response. "Where he's taking you?"

"I don't know. I like to leave room for the surprises. Oh," Nina said, as though she had forgotten something. "How've you been?"

"See?" Nicole said after she was gone.

"She's still adjusting to having you in her life. It wasn't intentional."

"I don't buy that idealism but I sure as hell appreciate it."

A month later.

After the ten-day case that left them all wiped out.

"How did it feel to turn twenty-seven?" Nicole asked while rewriting the expense report for the third time.

"I have vague memories of it."

"Oh come on, after all the effort I went to, you must remember something."

"I remember getting a table dance, riding a mechanical bull and passing out in the taxi cab."

"You forgot when you sang Billie Jean at the top of your lungs when we walked you up to your apartment."

"I guess that's why they call it an Attitude Adjuster. I am never drinking from a fishbowl again."

"That's what they all say."

"You're in a surprisingly good mood. I guess you worked things out with Antonio."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well,"

"Spit it out."

"Raquel is really something."

"Let me help you, she's gorgeous with long-ass legs,"

"…Which she'd like to wrap around Antonio."

"I've got it Jess."

"You can deal with that?"

"She's speaking at Howard next week. What else can I do? Play the crazy, jealous, insecure wife who doesn't trust her husband?" Her pager vibrated. "We're on."

Remington, Virginia.

"When was the last time you saw your ex-husband?" Jess asked, pretending to take notes on the pad she kept in her back pocket.

"Last Thursday, he came over to talk about the kids. Sergio, that's our eldest, was acting up at school and I don't know what to do anymore. Ever since the divorce he's been out of control. I meant to ask him if Sergio could move to Madison with him but he got a phone call and left abruptly."

"You haven't heard from him since?"

"No. It wasn't his weekend to pick up the kids so I didn't expect to."

"Can you tell me why you got divorced?"

"Constantine and I had irreconcilable differences."

"I know, I read the divorce papers. Can you tell me more?"

"He has a temper." Xanthe leaned in. "Between you and me, I don't think the kids were safe."

There was only one word actually penned down thus far; _bullshit_.

"Her son has suspensions that date back to four years ago, two before the divorce. She's a liar, it's almost compulsive." Nicole said, three hours after the case begun.

"Almost?" Antonio inquired.

"Yeah, she's just so damn bad at it."

"Do you think she put a hit out on her ex-husband?"

"It's possible but I don't think so. Constantine Zabat was a married forty-three year old with five kids and an upstanding member of the Greek Orthodox Church. That was until he divorced his wife, left his cushy job as a chartered accountant and became an author."

Pollock transfigured as he usually did, without being noticed. "I've heard he's good." Nicole's puzzled stare asked for an explanation. "My wife has a book club meeting every fortnight."

"Oh. So, his topic of choice is down-low men in the church. I know what you're thinking; E. Lynn Harris has done it for years."

Pollock interrupted, "I was thinking; what constitutes being on the down-low, but go on."

"He has a book in the pipeline; the follow-up to his best-selling debut so this could be a publicity stunt. However I think the person who took him or is responsible for him being taken wants whatever's in that book."

"Have you obtained the manuscript?"

"Not yet. The publisher claims there was only one copy, and that might be traded for his life."

Antonio looked up from the laptop. "I checked bank vaults, accounts, deposit boxes and safes owned or accessed by the publishing company and the Zabat family and I came up with nothing."

"Then do the same for the Stavros', Xanthe's family." Pollock ordered.

"I did. I got nothing."

"Where's Mastriani?"

"In search of a man who's rumoured to have split up the family. According to Donata, Xanthe's close friend, the cause of divorce was infidelity."

"While she finds a home wrecker and a vision; I'll be back in Washington. You know the drill."

"Find him or don't come back." Antonio answered for him as he shuffled out the door.

Nicole looked at her watch. It was 10.45 a.m. "Looks like we have a long night ahead of us."

"Yeah, and not in a good way either."

Nicole ignored him and they went through the medical and school reports of the immediate family.

"You were right, she is a compulsive liar." Antonio said, handing her the highlighted report. "School teachers have suspected and reported abuse but social services have yet to investigate. The most serious incident dates back nine months ago. After a week-long suspension Sergio returned to school with welts on his back, this coincides with a promotional tour of talk-shows and bookstores Constantine did when his first book became a success."

"That's tells me a lot about her. If a person abuses a child, they're capable of anything."

"Are you going to bring her in?"

"There's no point. I already know what she's going to say; it's her God-given right to punish and chastise her son and she refuses to spare the rod. Right now we need that other man and, a list of people Constantine knows who resemble characters from his books."

"There's only one place to start; The Sacred Heart of Jesus, Greek Orthodox Church. Here's the address. By the way, I know what you're doing and I think it's sweet."

"What's that?"

"Giving Jess all this space in the field, showing her she's trusted and needed in a time when she's having self-doubt. I think that's really considerate."

"From day one, I knew what Jess could be as an Agent. Now she's become it she's either scared or disappointed. Anyway, mass is on the hour, right?


	4. What if?

"Thank you for seeing me Father." Nicole sat down on a leather chair in the priest's office.

"Now Agent Scott, you know whatever I am told in confidence is protected by law."

"Of course. Father, what was the general reaction in the church to Constantine's book?"

"The general consensus was outrage. Not only did most people find it to be blasphemous and explicit but also exploitative of a pigeonholed minority group."

"So people took offense to homosexuality within the Greek as well as the Catholic Orthodox context."

"Exactly."

"Were some parishioners more zealous than others?"

"I was aware that a few of my congregation led a protest outside the local radio station WBTB after the initial success of his book."

"How were his relationships with people in the church, when he used to come regularly?"

"When he was married, Constantine was very active in the church; he even established the youth service with Eliud Seitaridis when the numbers were falling."

"Were they close?"

"They were brothers in Christ, yes."

"Thank you Father." Nicole stood up.

"Agent Scott, Constantine is a conflicted man. I pray that he finds his way, or at least has a chance to do so."

"We'll do our best."

"Eliud Seitaridis, I'm Special Agent Mastriani, F.B.I." She expected him to run, which is why she had so much fun taking him down. "Now I would ask why you ran but I'd prefer to have something to look forward to. Assume the position."

Antonio swivelled his chair from the computer to the printer which was chewing up paper. He hit it in frustration, only making the paper jam worse. Nicole strolled in with Chinese food and theories.

"What've you got?" She asked, while he helped himself to the spring rolls.

"So I ran the bank records and found no strange activity in the last six months, but going back two years; Constantine transferred four instalments of $25000 to Eliud Seitaridis' bank account. I'm thinking hush money."

"So do I. Can you get me a warrant for the publishers'?"

"Give me a few hours."

Jess took the seat beside Nicole and helped herself to the steamed dumplings. "Lying is contagious. Eliud claims not to know where Constantine is, but he ran. All I got from his interview was inconsistent information."

"Then let him go." Nicole replied casually.

"And follow him?"

"No. Put a BOLO out on the car, he's concerned so he'll go to the people most likely to be involved, adding to or confirming our list of suspects. When he arrives, the news that Constantine is missing will make people act, and it's on their actions that we'll find him."

"But if he has Constantine then he'll know we're looking for him and move him."

"He doesn't. They had an affair three years ago; Eliud ended it for the church and was paid $100000 to keep it quiet when Constantine made it big. The money is still in the account, untouched. He has no motive to hurt him. If Eliud signed a contract with the publishing company, of course he won't tell you the truth."

"Right." Jess got a text that turned her cheeks red.

"While I'd love know what that says, any sign of a vision?"

"Not yet." Jess said, holding back laughter. "I'll leave you two alone." She blushed in response and left.

"What was that about?" Antonio asked.

"I guess Jack showed her an alternative meaning of Happy Halloween."

"Yeah like the time you…"

"Office." She uttered the code word that got on his nerves; for a reason he couldn't fathom Nicole needed some kind of acceptance from Pollock to get married in the first place and as a consequence they had agreed to remain professional on the job. That agreement had come back to haunt him as he sometimes questionned where her loyalties really lied, and if she had had to choose, whether or not they would have married at all. The fact was he didn't need reminding, he just hoped she would forget about it and humour him a little.

"Fine." He replied, backing off like a typical retreating crab.

"Don't be that way." She was used to his Cancerian moodiness. "When this is done; we'll invent our own holiday."

Jess' surveillance led them to the culprit, the following day; the previous owner of the publishing company. Nicole secretly wished for the case to stretch past Raquel's lecture at Howard University and for once, resented their team's efficiency. When she got home, he was already gone.

Raquel was quick to spot him.

"I'm glad you came."

"I wouldn't miss it."

"I guess it wouldn't be very apropos to discuss what happened would it?"

"Let's not."

"Do you ever wonder what …?"

"Could have been?"

"It's okay to say it."

"I have. What happened didn't mean anything."

"Then why are we here?" She leaned towards his ear. "False hope?" The mayor tapped her on the shoulder and she went into a long-winded conversation with him. Antonio's attention was stolen by someone who wasn't supposed to be there but was, sort of like he was. Someone who wouldn't show they felt out of place and overcame themselves to be there.

"It was worth it then." Raquel said in an indefinable tone, while watching the newly-arrived Nicole talk to one of her sorors from college. He couldn't tell she was referring to his choosing Nicole over her and aborting the growth of their relationship. He was her what if and if kissing him had revived any notions of what could have been; the way he looked at Nicole was enough to stomp on them, leaving footprints of disappointment. When Nicole did find them, the brief tête-à-tête that ensued was sharp with a tinge of bitchy energy that was refined to illusory politeness.

He brushed the (spaghetti) straps of her dress from her shoulders and for all she cared, the expensive dress could have fallen to the floor without her noticing. Something about her kiss said how much she wanted to be with him and become lost in the ensnaring connection that satisfied their base selves and fed them an ethereal, temporary high. She wanted him so much that she couldn't go without painting fantasies and etching visions of making love in her mind. If he only knew that when she took possession of his senses and attention and became a reciprocal source of pleasure, she was really saying, "I love you Antonio Cortez and no-one in the world can take that from me." But he wasn't a mind-reader and all he knew for sure was he was where he wanted and needed to be, and as for his what if; she was lying right there. Beside, over or under him; the recipient of his long love letter. He was sorry about a minor act that could be interpreted a thousand ways but to him only one mattered, that it didn't.

Jack was confronted with a box of his stuff and immediately made fun of what she meant.

"So you want me to take this home for how long?"

"Until Mom and Doug have gone back to Indiana."

He placed it on the couch. "What do you think this will achieve?"

"I don't want her thinking that you live here."

"Jess, I'm sure she knows you're not a virgin. Besides, I don't live here."

"You're here all the time."

"Then maybe that's a talk we should have. Do I need her blessing for that or just to marry you?"

"I'm serious. D.C. has already corrupted me more than I can account for."

"You were always bad Jess; it's just now the world knows." She wasn't amused. "Fine, fine. Am I banned from here too?"

"Only overnight and…I never told her about my decision so,"

"I won't mention it. Why didn't you?"

"It's complicated. I guess there are sides of myself I don't want them to see." He pulled her closer and turned an innocent supportive hug into a display that he wanted to stay but she fought herself enough to show him the door. Only when he was gone did she realise he wanted to move in but since she was too late to respond, she decided to write it off as a tease.

"He wasn't kidding." Nicole confirmed, while getting dressed in the changing room. Jess held her breath so as not to inhale the D&G Sicily that Nicole sprayed with enthusiasm. "Men usually flee from commitment so if he said that then he meant it. So you can either pretend you didn't hear it, or discuss it further when your folks have left."

"Why then?"

"Because family is a litmus test; they show you parts of him you've never seen and they'll tell you the same."

"So you've met him then?" Jess asked, referring to Nina's boyfriend.

"No." Nicole went on to tell her where she went instead and Jess' eyebrows rose. "No, there was no hair pulling Jess."

"I'm impressed, after he kissed her,"

"Excuse me?"

Jess wished she could bite her tongue right off. "I thought you knew. Y-you said,"

"Forget what I said, that Freudian slip takes precedence now. When?"

"Nicole, don't do this."

"Fine. Where?" Jess refused to answer and when Nicole realised she couldn't make her; she turned her attention back where it should have been in the first place. She couldn't describe the feeling which was embarrassment fused with irritation coated in confusion, swimming in suspicion. It just felt like a gut-punch.

"Nicole, if Antonio said nothing happened then I believe him."

"If I didn't believe that I'd be looking for a new apartment as we speak."

"Then what's the problem, besides the obvious?"

"I thought Antonio and I were getting along because we can, not because he was overcompensating for his guilt."

"So, why don't you tell him what this is really about? This isn't about Antonio or Raquel; this is about your fear of trusting someone other than yourself and you can."

"Jess, if I can't believe in him then I've got nothing. No reason to stay or to love him, just nothing. Then she comes on the scene and I'm trying not to be so insecure but I can't. Now you're telling me I actually have a reason to."


	5. Fire and Ice

Like a ram Nicole grazed on the information for a few days, working and acting as though nothing happened. But he could tell that something had pulled out the plug and she had emotionally disconnected. He would've preferred her to go ballistic with an outburst he could understand but she didn't give him the satisfaction. What would have been fire was replaced with ice, and the frost served as an undercurrent to the tone in which she spoke to him and left sex mechanical. He had experienced that before, but wasn't used to being the reason behind the conflict in her eyes. She buried her feelings beneath a surface as blurry as dancing water.

He leaned over her desk after a long night at the office. "The 360's still open."

"Maybe next time." She said, civilly sans affection. She picked up her gym bag. "I'm exhausted." Her voice cracked on the penultimate syllable giving away more than she meant to. She was still unsure whether imploding made hurt more than she had to or if she would still feel the same if she addressed the issue head on. Regardless, it hurt because she loved him. She woke up with a psychosomatic headache that worsened her mood.

"So why didn't you tell me?" Toni said for the fourth time in five minutes. Jess tried to answer but Toni struggled to process the reasoning behind the response.

"It's one of those phone calls you never want to make."

"I could've helped."

"By telling me to keep the baby, I know."

"Not necessarily…okay I would have. You grow further away every time we see you."

"I've been thinking the same thing. My life doesn't belong to just me anymore; I'm not just the resident psychic most people overlook, I'm an Agent and a damn good one at that. I couldn't give that up for something I wasn't ready for. So I made that decision on my own and whether you support it or not, you've got to support me."

"You're not even sorry."

"Mom, the last thing I need is a guilt trip."

"What good would it do when I don't know you anymore?"

Jack and Doug walked in with groceries. "Is it safe?" Doug asked, picking up on the reminiscent tension of when Jess first derailed from Catholicism as a teenager. Once again, Toni was in the same position; she couldn't make Jess think or believe what she did and couldn't handle the refusal to what she felt was right.

"Sure." Jess said though asking her mother with her eyes. Toni left the counter she previously leant against and went into the living room with Jess.

"Do you remember when I got my navel pierced?" Jess tried to lighten the tone of conversation.

"I remember what it did to Joe's blood pressure." They both laughed despite the situation.

"You were so mad."

"I was not! I was justified."

"You were disproportionately angry and I never understood why, even when it closed up; you couldn't let it go. I suppose when you grow up as close as we did, the idea of my self-possession must have been quite scary."

Toni clutched the cushion a bit more. "What's scary is watching an FBI Agent drag your daughter away and threaten to arrest you if you stop her. " Jess remembered Brooke's first visit to her house. "What's scary is; never knowing if she'll live to make that phone call that always comes late. And what's damn near terrifying is you forgetting how close we were and how much I love you."

He didn't know what to think. Her leg was draped across him as they slept and he was sure she mumbled an equivalent to his "I love you." She was up bright and early on Monday morning, eating breakfast and listening to the news.

"Coffee?" She asked while the machine bleeped in the background. He drank half a cup reluctantly, wondering what she put in it.

"The highway's backed up for miles, thank God we moved." She said in a light, carefree manner. If there was one thing he was sure of about her, it was her ability to paint a plastic, calm demeanour over any situation; he was waiting for the cracks to show.

"Let's call in sick."

"We can't. Jess is off 'til tomorrow." Her voice was as lukewarm as thawing ice, almost indifferent.

"You can tell me about the joyriding now." He said eager to change the subject.

"My boyfriend stole a car. I was fourteen. It was stupid. The end."

"So why'd you get in?"

"I didn't have anything to live for. I hadn't seen Kelly in months and my foster parents didn't notice I was gone."

"I said I was sorry."

"I heard you."

"You know I can't stand it when you don't talk to me."

"We're talking right now."

"No we're not. You know what I mean."

"What do you want from me Antonio?"

"I want to you say how you feel so we can put this thing to rest."

She permitted one tear to drop. "Satisfied?"

Jess joined her at the gun range, watching her performance with admiration and fear.

Jess filled her in. "How'd you do that?" Jess exclaimed at yet another of Nicole's near-perfect shooting accuracy scores.

"I name each moving target and shoot accordingly. Target C is my ex whose collect calls ran up a $1500 bill, Target E is the foster mom who called Kelly and I Negroes and Target H is a certain long-legged bitch who shall remain nameless."

"Okay." Jess took a step back. "You had me worried for a second. I wasn't sure he would make it."

"Jess, you know I'd never leave evidence." Nicole's sinister joke made her uncomfortable.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'd rather hear about your weekend. So when's the moving date?"

"There _is_ none. I don't want to share my apartment. Actually, the more I thought about it I realised I need time alone. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I just need some space, you know?" Nicole nodded. "I'm going to miss it, just having someone there, but I need to do this for me."

"Let's get out of here. I see a Woo Woo and a P.S. I Love You with our names on them."

"Sounds great." Her after-hours, "Some Kinda Rush" ringtone blared. It was Jack calling. "Rain check?"

Antonio's workout was interrupted by an unexpected call. "Are you avoiding me?" Raquel asked.

"No."

"Then why did you come to Boston without looking me up? I heard about your case."

"I didn't know I had to."

"Can't you trust yourself around me?" After a long silence, she said, "My book launch is coming up. Did you get the invitation?"

"I can't make it."

After another long silence she exhaled. "I'll look for your face." The pronounced dial tone unsettled him.

When Nicole and Antonio went to Nina's for dinner, he struggled to conceal his surprise on meeting her boyfriend Harper. Not only was he twenty years her junior, but Nina was clearly taken by him and floated around the apartment like a rejuvenated bird. Nicole was determined to behave uncharacteristically and refrain from grilling him or cutting him down to sharp when he was gone. She had seen it all before; her mother fell in love easily and was heartbroken even easier, so Nicole assumed the role of the dutiful daughter; secretly anticipating the denouement where she would be standing with ice-cream and tissues.

All Nicole had to say afterwards was, "A younger man for a young spirit, it figures."

"It doesn't bother you?"

"I've got my eye on him."

"I think she can take care of herself."

"Like that matters. It is nice to see her smile like that though."

"And what about us?" He asked for clarification. She stopped and stared at him for a moment. Linking her arm with his, she managed to hear fragments of his shady explanation before brushing it off as though it didn't matter. He knew it did, and although she played it off well, her response to Raquel's book launch was ominous as she insisted they should go.

Jess and Jack were both miserable following the breakup but she didn't want to fall into the trappings of old security. As Nicole and Antonio made peace with each other, she spent more and more time alone. Sometimes she wanted to call him, just to hear that voice that delivered quips and flirtatious, silly conversation but she couldn't keep leaning on him to feel connected to the place she missed the most; Indiana. Something was missing and she was sure that was it. She didn't know someone would soon walk into her life and be that fulfilled component that smothered her role conflict. That someone was also searching and understood where she was coming from but until then, she had to wait and endure a profound loneliness her job couldn't mask. He walked back into her life with a rugged face in desperate need of a shave. He wasn't the same; something was unhinged inside him and he couldn't explain what it was. Nicole once said that happened undercover. There were irretraceable parts of him she could never recover, but Jess didn't care for anything but those arms around her and the common ground they shared as friends.

"I didn't ask but you didn't offer."

"You didn't offer so I didn't ask."

"I'll call you, I promise."

"No promises, no pressure."

"You mean no let down."

She shrugged her shoulders. "I can't begin to tell you what I've been through."

"Then let me."


	6. It's Been A Long Time Coming

"So?" Nicole's one word question caused her to blush. "Mm-hmm, just like I thought. I saw you at Stacie's with Agent McHottie."

"It was just breakfast."

"And the rendezvous at Chase was just dinner, right?"

"Nic, I'm not interested in a relationship right now. I want to be understood."

"If he's the only one who can, maybe you should be."

"You sound more optimistic than last week." Nicole shrugged her shoulders. "I love him."

"I know."

"Besides, there's no way to stop a man from doing whatever he's going to do."

He anticipated Raquel calling him on his cell, already aware of what she would say. "Are you coming?"

"We already discussed this."

"I hoped you would change your mind. Antonio please, this is big for me. _Sociedad_ magazine are covering it."

"Sounds great."

"So that's a no? Shame."

"I can't give you what you want Raquel."

"What would that be?"

"I'm not in love with you. I think you're beautiful…but then again I have eyes."

She laughed. "That's not what I want from you. I'm staying at Amil's Grove; let's talk."

Nicole walked into his office as he hung up. She stacked files on his desk. "The Pennsylvania D.A.'s reopening the Chamberlain RICO case with new evidence. She asked that you go through your reports thoroughly; their hot-shot Defence Attorney has an eye for discrepancies and the Bentley GT to prove it."

"We're not going." He said.

"Yes we are." She replied with determination.

"Nicole. She'll just get a rise out of you anyway. So let's not."

"You're telling me we can't go because I know you kissed her but it's fine for you to have feelings for her?"

"I do not."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" He couldn't answer. "You lecture me about trusting you and being honest then-"

"I don't. Besides, I have something planned for you."

"I'm not that easily distracted."

"It's totally unrelated. Like I told you; it matters as much as you want it to." His phone rang again. Nicole waited for him to answer it then left.

"Yes?" He said with impatience.

"¿Qué has hecho?" His sister read him without effort.

"Nada."

"Dígame."He explained the situation in minor detail. "Señor Piadoso se cayó de su pedestal. Muy interesante. Si vais juntos Nicole la asesinará por lo tanto no podéis, para su seguridad. Dígame todo."

"No hay más para contar."

"Mentiroso."

"Bien. Hay algo más…"

The room became smaller as she took the stage. He couldn't believe he was there with Nicole; she refused to go anywhere else and couldn't deny that Raquel wore the hell out of her Karen Millen dress and wooden-wedge shoes. When Nicole went outside to smoke what she felt was a well-deserved cigarette, Raquel found him.

"I'm glad you came."

"We've got to stop meeting like this."

"I guess we both got what we wanted in the end. I'm not going to wait for you Antonio. Thanks for what you did; it freed me."

Nicole flicked through the book on the drive home. "Whatever you think happened," He told her, "None of it was important to us. I would never put anything before you and me."

"I know; you're an expert at toeing the line. Tonight I learnt I don't care, I'm in love with who you are to me. And if that's selfish or stupid then that makes me…"

"My wife."

Jess let Colin in with a smile. He almost didn't recognise the place. "How much _do_ they pay you at the Bureau?"

"Enough to keep my mouth shut. Do you like it?"

"I love it but what happened to the music box?"

She was impressed, thus far only Nicole had noticed it was gone. "My mom took it back to Indiana, so it's still in one piece for my daughter."

"Do you want kids?"

"One day. How about you?"

"Only if they were as beautiful as their mother. Anyway, fifty bucks says the Pacers lose." They shook hands on their bet; he pulled her closer and tried to kiss her.

"Please don't."

"Why not?"

"I have no limits with you Colin."

"There's a good reason for that. Do you want to be somewhere else?"

"No."

"All I've ever wanted was to love you. My life isn't what it should've been and it won't be what it should without you. If you don't want me to kiss you then, that sucks."

"Try to understand."

"I can't and I won't because what we're missing is right here.

Her face was an inch away from his. "Can we watch the game?"

Nicole was sitting in Jess' chair when she strolled in the following morning. "I missed you at the gym."

"I had company."

Nicole looked her up and down. "So you're holding out? Good girl, Mama would be proud."

"It's not like that. He has this power over me; I want to keep some for myself."

"It's called being in love Jess, you give up the power and control and entrust it to someone else or, you hold onto it for dear life and risk losing that person."

"Can I trust him?"

"Ask him."

She sat on her desk. "Not once did Jack say he wanted to keep the baby."

"Maybe he didn't want to sway your decision."

"Maybe not. Either way he left it to me, just like Colin left, just like I left Indiana and I want it back. What's left?" Antonio pivoted at a glimpse of Jess getting emotional; he had almost forgotten the days she would vomit at the sight of a dead body, when she wore her heart on her sleeve. Too much of the FBI was in her now and her emotions as well as her visions were under control; she had lost her innocence in its entirety, even at her faith's expense.

"With everything you've been through there's someone who loves you; to me that means the whole world." Nicole left her to her own devices and took her medication in private. The migraine didn't go away, thumping at her head during and day and leaving her dizzy and nauseous. She couldn't own up to feeling sick and when Nina called with an illustrative recount of the Teena Marie concert Harper took her to, she held back the vomit and made unintelligible responses.

The morning was slow and dull and by eleven, Jess couldn't take it anymore. She slipped past Pollock's office and drove to the DOJ building. The infrequent sight of him in a suit almost threw her off.

"Hey." He said, closing the door behind her.

"You forgot something when you left." She said, not completely sure of what she was doing.

"What was that?" She planted a kiss on him that could have woken the dead. "Do you love me?"

"Is the Pope a balding white guy?"

"That'll do." She kissed him again, only this time he was actually prepared.

"Jess, you know you've got to go right?"

"Yeah. My boss will kill me anyway."

"I'm free at two a.m. Dinner?"

"I'd love it."

Nicole was waiting in the parking lot impatiently. "Where to?" Jess asked, taking a cup of coffee and the folders Nicole had under her arm.

"White Oak, Maryland. Can you believe I have a disciplinary hearing in three days?"

"That makes it number nine or seven?"

"That's irrelevant."

"You left the country on Bureau resources to locate a criminal and brought them back yourself instead of taking them to the correct authorities to be extradited."

"And? I was doing our country a favour."

"It also helped your solve rate."

"Who are you, Antonio junior?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll slide through this one too. What've we got?"

"A foster boy goes missing, fifteen years old. The school report him absent for three weeks and the foster parents only registered him as missing yesterday. Sound strange?"

"When was the last time the social worker visited the family?"

"Ten weeks ago, on her report she called him well adjusted."

Jess got into the driver's seat. "Other kids in the family?"

"You would know all this if you weren't humping your reinstated beau on office hours."

"No-one was humping anyone and he's not reinstated."

"Fine. You drive, I'll talk. The Rhesus family has two teenage twins, male and female, of sixteen living at home and an elder daughter at college in Detroit."

"Are worried about it?"

"Kind of; I've been bounced around the country Jess. Seattle, Phoenix, Sacramento, Atlanta, Jefferson City even Las Vegas and I don't want to go anywhere else."

"You won't. Did you ever run away?"

"Of course. Sometimes for a good reason, sometimes for attention and sometimes just to run. When I went to college, that's what Kelly called it."

"Why?"

"We had a plan and I abandoned it by leaving a year early. She couldn't wait the whole three years so she found Benny and the rest as they say, is history."

"She said you hated him before you even knew him."

"He never deserved my sister and it broke my heart that she couldn't see that."

"She was young, so were you."

"Not inside we weren't. When that door closes…" Nicole stopped her disturbing thought. "Anyway, local PD have organised a search but the manpower is limited so I'll see the social worker, teacher, guidance counsellor and friends and you talk to the family."

"What about CCTV and traffic camera footage?"

"I want them to lie first; incriminate themselves before we do so we have a clearer picture of what actually happened. You know there are always three versions of the truth; my truth, your truth and the truth."

"And they say you have to read the manual…Nic!" Nicole's head collapsed into the dashboard.

Jess stopped at a hospital in Silver Spring and called Pollock, who threw a paper weight when he heard. Between Pollock's grilling and reading Raquel's book, Antonio didn't make it to the hospital.

"Girl, get up. I know you're not asleep." Nicole's half-smile gave her away. "Just like I though. Now you've got everyone's attention, you can tell me everything that's been going on." She had no choice and although it was entertaining to hear, Nina felt just as possessive over Antonio as Nicole did. The difference was; she wasn't afraid to voice it.

"Choke her."

"Mom."

"You'll feel much better; trust me."

"I don't want to be that woman."

"What woman?"

"The crazy woman always second guessing, hiding behind cars and tracking her husband."

"Every woman is that woman; it doesn't matter where you come from, everyone's at least a quarter crazy. You know what your problem is; you need a baby."

"It's amazing how you segueway from –"

"Isn't it? Anyway, I'm right."

"No, you're not. I'm not meant to have kids and I long for the day you and Consuela stop trying to recruit me in your fertility drive."

"I bet you a facial that you're pregnant."

"Fine." The doctor dismissed her with news that made Nicole overjoyed.

"You cheated." Nina accused her as they walked to the car.

"I already saw the medical report. Like the bible says; peek and ye shall find."

"You're not supposed to be so happy."

"Oh whatever." Nicole dragged her sour face into the car and Nina didn't start driving.

She hummed I'll Close My Eyes by Dinah Washington and thought it was just a matter of time before Nicole came around.

"Would you say I'm robbing the cradle? Don't be polite."

"Well…he's younger, but you're not doing anything you could be arrested for."

"Actually…"

"My sanity rests on what I don't know. Are you happy?" Nina giggled like a schoolgirl in response. "Then that's all that really matters."

"Like you've never been with a younger man."

"I haven't."

"Come to think of it; you look like the Lolita type."

Nicole couldn't rebut her mother's assumption because up to her thirties, her boyfriend was always an older man, even her first. Soon after she went back into foster care she diverted her attention to Ese. That's what they called him and everyone who lived in Henry Horner thought they knew who he was but she saw beneath the façade. Regardless of how he treated her they were for different worlds; she was trapped in his and she was on the cusp of deciding whether it was worth getting out. When she needed company, male attention and protection he was there and in returned she lied for him, held things for him and went down his path long enough to wreck her own.

The last joyride they had was three weeks before her fifteenth birthday. The year before she was optimistic about a new life with her mother but at the time she was alone, wanting so badly to end it all. She was tired of meaning nothing to anyone, caring seemed futile and the adrenaline that rushed through her veins like a gust of wind was numbing. Then things went wrong. It wasn't fun anymore; it was scary, she didn't know if it was the weed or his craziness but her death wish was on the brink of coming to fruition as Ese lost control of the wheel. Their bodies jerked as they ran over something they couldn't see and everything then went white from the severe pain. He strolled around the hospital, against the doctor's orders as she wished she could stay in that one spot for the rest of her life.

"What's a girl like you doing, speeding in a stolen car?" The nurse asked as she opened the curtains.

Nicole with all her unrefined teenage attitude simply rolled her eyes and ignored her. The other object of her irritation knocked on the door.

"Is she doing any better?" the social worker asked the nurse, even though Nicole was right there.

"She's a quiet one, but she's doing fine."

Nicole eyeballed the social worker as she sat on the edge of the bed. _Oh, so you're the 'Be my friend' type,_ she thought. She'd learnt to categorize them just as often as they did her. _You'll suck up to me for a few weeks, tell your boss I'm well-adjusted and let my file collect dust_.

"Now Nicole, I know this year hasn't been easy for you." The patronizing tone of voice infuriated her.

"I'm not retarded." Nicole uttered.

"Excuse me?"

"Bowlby said intellectual retardation is a long term effect of privation. I know what you read. Well, I lived with my primary caregiver up to cut-off point so I'm not retarded. So don't talk to me in a monosyllabic way; I have a 3.6 GPA."

"I know. That's what I came to talk to you about. Have you ever considered going to college?"

"No. I want to do hair for the rest of my life." Nicole rebutted with sarcasm.

"That's a shame because despite your behavioural record you could do very well and I'm…"

"Here to help you. No you're not. So where am I going next?"

"Nicole I assure you, that this placement will be more successful."

"By whose standards? Just give me a box and a black bag and I'll be ready." The social worker exhaled.

"I'll be back tomorrow. Stay put."

"Just like Kizzy." Nicole's quick wit was lost on the young man. She had seen it all before, a person starts out in the profession determined to make a change but slowly they became more like the system themselves.

"You always had too much mouth Nicole." Nina shook her head at the memory of having full-on rows with the thirteen-year-old.

"I never back down; it's just not me."

"That man is a saint." Nina usually made comments like that about Antonio, as though she knew him inside out. "What happened to Ese anyway?"

"He got shot just before I graduated high school. That's the last time I saw him, bragging about how many times he could cheat death. The funny thing is; even with a degree and a legit career, I do the same."

"So how old was he?"

"Twenty." The wheels of the car screeched and left rubber marks on the highway. "We'll get pulled over, keep driving."

"Twenty!"

"What? You weren't there."

"That's crazy!"

"It doesn't change anything."

"Am I supposed to accept that?"

"You have no choice."

"I can't believe you did that."

"I was just being my mother's daughter."

"I never did that."

"Exactly. You did worse. So don't judge or take credit for who I am and I won't take credit for you staying clean."

"Why are we back here? Stop dangling your forgiveness in my face Nicole. You're right; I couldn't be clean with you around because it was never about you or even me. My addiction was my life and I thought you understood that."

"Ese was my life, understand that. We both had bad habits we needed to shake and if I didn't forgive you I wouldn't be in this car."

"Answer me this,"

"Shoot."

"Did you tell Dad I was using?"

"I never told anyone. He guessed and I couldn't lie well enough."

"You know it was him right? He called the Social on us."

"I know. He said it was for my own good."

"Was it?"

"I really don't know."

"That means yes." Nicole shrugged her shoulders again. "I haven't stepped foot in that house in so many years, I know Naomi will be there; hiding her horns under that plastic halo."

"So we won't go."

"He misses you, you should. Don't feel responsible for me."

"I'm not having any more exclusive Christmases. I want a normal one with my in-laws getting on my last nerve, you fighting me and Kelly in the kitchen and Antonio falling in and out of purgatory. I swear if he doesn't get me that bracelet…"

Jess had dinner with Colin three days and six hours late, after joining a Maryland agent to solve the case, in the form of breakfast but time had no consequence. He made her forget everything around them and chased away her uncertainty, and she redrew her image of him; wanting to place it back in her heart where he belonged. The order came to her apartment, where they spent the night in the living room watching late-night wrestling, talking and laughing until the morning.

"I can't settle Colin, not again."

"What are you saying?"

"I won't be second-best or an after-thought in your life any longer. Either we're together or we're not."

"You're asking me to choose? I'd never do that to you."

"Of course not. You never have to make sacrifices for me; you always win."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We're together; you have a girlfriend who would put up with anything for you. We're not and you have a great career where you still do whatever you want. You left me like I meant nothing."

"You meant everything to me."

"Then why was I dead to you when you were gone?"

"I can't choose."

"You already have."

"Jess,"

"No. I can't keep doing this; I know you'll hurt me and I let you."

"I never hurt you."

"You don't even pay attention. You'd rather go undercover to come back scarred and do it all over again than treat me like the person who loves you most. I love you and you've made it the best and the worst experience of my life. So leave."


	7. Tainted Blissmas '07

When Jack came into her office two days before Christmas she felt around in her drawer for a gun. She hadn't seen him face to face since they broke up and she had no intention to. Whether he was conscious of it, he represented the worst that men can do at a critical point in time; absolutely nothing. As a consequence she was short-fused and intolerant, providing a contrast to his carefree, pleasant demeanour. "I see you didn't waste any time, getting back with Ronny."

"Colin. Not that it's your concern."

"Yes it is; you were my concern and I still care about you."

"If you cared you wouldn't have been so eager to go back to normal afterwards, you would've been there to support me. You wouldn't have been happy that you made a clean break."

"That's not how I felt."

"It's just my luck to fall in love with the two of the most self-seeking men on the planet. I deserved so much more than you gave me."

"Jess,"

"I know better now."

Nicole walked into the pool of tension. "I'll come back later."

"No, it's okay. Jack was just leaving." Nicole watched him leave and stared at Jess with a puzzled expression. "Please don't ask."

"I'm letting you know we're officially on vacation, all of us. It's twelve."

"Great." Jess's bitter mood came through her tone.

"I thought you were looking forward to going home."

"Our plans changed; they're flying here and I'm taking them to Toronto on the 28th. The last part is a surprise for putting up with me."

Nicole sat down and waited patiently. Jess relented and recounted her confrontations with her exes.

"…I mean what intelligent woman plays the sucker more than once? All that time I thought I was being a good girlfriend. Am I wrong to want something genuine, reciprocal and lasting?"

"No." Pollock said, leaning against the wall. "But I've learnt life owes us nothing. I'll see you both on the second."

"Take care Sir." Nicole replied, leaving Jess to deconstruct it for herself.

"Is it any good?" Nicole made him jump and lose his page. He was a few chapters away from the end of Raquel's book, for an inexplicable reason he was compelled to read it.

"It's…fascinating."

"So, does she still call?"

"No." He admitted, wondering how she knew or if it was a trick question he was implicated himself by answering.

"For a while I've been hearing things that could really hurt us." The hairs on the back of his neck stood erect. "So I went to see her." Sweat pools began to form. She let out a short, menacing laugh. "I wasn't the Cortez she expected. Right?" He was already stuttering before he even started to speak. She broke into a wide, playful smile. "I'm not that crazy."

_Christmas Eve._

Antonio walked in on Ethan and Nicole's Xbox championship.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Ethan brought it from Chicago. He's always thinking about me." She nuzzled him with one arm while he cheated and made her animated car crash.

"You're supposed to rest." Before speaking he knew his borderline parental advice meant nothing to her. She wasn't going to let the flu take over her Christmas especially when she hadn't seen him since the wedding.

"I'm in bed." She said then read something more on his face. "Baby, go and check on Mom." Ethan climbed off the bed and left. "What's up?"

He closed and locked the door behind him. "Don't you think it's time you told her?"

"No. It's nobody's business but ours."

"She won't judge you, you know."

"I know she's not judgemental."

"She won't look down on you either." She looked away. "So that's it? How many times do I have to tell you my family aren't like that?"

"Sometimes you're so delusional it's cute. Ever since we met your mom has looked for a reason to pity me and I won't give her or anyone else the satisfaction."

"Nic, my parents love you like you're their own."

"You're not listening to me."

"Then say what you actually mean."

"It's stupid." She curled her toes against the duvet. "You wouldn't understand."

Ethan returned with a Kidz in the Hall song blaring through his earphones. Kelly slumped onto the bed like she was eight again.

"From piss in the hallway to a lakeside palace, how does it feel to come up, Oprah?" Nicole rolled her eyes at one in a decade-long string of implications that she was bourgie. Kelly even whistled the melody to the song. After hitting her with a pillow, Nicole exhaled deeply. "Uh-oh. What's wrong?" Nicole gestured towards the photo albums they went through the night before. "Oh. You were right. They _are_ like the Mexican Bradys."

Nicole sneezed. "She's Colombian."

"Still." Kelly understood what Nicole's problem was and why she could never fully accept their compassion without defensively reading it as something else.

"…And with all this talk about babies it feels like no-one respects what I'd have to contribute because I don't have forty generations standing behind me."

Kelly chipped in with something insightful. "To think you spend all that time building a life beyond foster care and when people find out everything else pales. It becomes the reason for your actions or your most intriguing characteristic."

"She's so curious it's almost offensive, but I can't say that because if I do I'm the bitch who doesn't appreciate the consummate mother/martyr's want to be close to me. To top it off, she reminds me of Halima."

Kelly's mouth became a gaping hole at the distant memory; her eyes darted to Ethan who was oblivious and lost in a catchy pop-electronica sound of Robyn's With Every Heartbeat. Halima Sable was the foster mother they didn't actually count. Outside of the three homes they were in together, they were placed with her the day after Nicole turned twelve and she genuinely took care of them. Three weeks in, their social worker at the time returned; their placement with her was a clerical error and they were moved into the house of bruises, broken bones and "accidental trips" down the staircase. That experience had made them both more cynical and hopeless than ever but Halima had remained an unforgettable person in their lives who they never spoke of but always remembered.

"Sometimes I have to remind myself I didn't just marry into a family, I'm engulfed by it."

Antonio smiled at the results of his eavesdropping. Kelly was truth serum to Nicole; as long as she was around he was bound to find answers she wouldn't give up voluntarily. Assessing his glee, he realised he did the exact same thing his mother was guilty of; although he'd justified it as 'wanting to get to know her better' it satisfied his endless curiosity. His past wouldn't be considered that interesting. It was meaningful and rooted in stability but it wasn't something one could sink their teeth into. On closer inspection he recalled the times Anna would ask him personal questions that felt like an interrogation even though she wanted him to open up to her and didn't intend to hurt him. It was undeniable that he transferred that to Nicole and guilt-tripped her into coming clean yet she tolerated it as recompense for not being Consuela Cortez junior.

Nicole looked at the time and went into their en suite bathroom. If she was at home, she had a habit of watching herself as she took them every day. Shaking the small bottle, she knew the prescription was complete and that left her overjoyed. Nicole Scott on anti-depressants; she could hardly believe it herself, and every pill felt like failure. Contrary to the slogan, they didn't give her a higher state of mental wellbeing; they gave her migraines. As the plastic bottle hit the bottom of the trash can she vowed never to let another pass her lips; even if the Bureau shrink ordered them.

Against everything he wanted, when he left she didn't try to stop him. What hurt the most was not being able to dispute what she said, because it was true. Colin knew that you never get to show someone how much you love them in a lifetime and in the past he wasn't sure Jess truly believed he loved her at all. However, without his job he couldn't fully define himself; it drove, consumed and affirmed him and he couldn't just toss it aside. Jess' words reverberated in his ears as he drove and he thought back to when his mother bent over backwards to placate men and got little or nothing in return. He didn't want to be that person, especially since she meant so much to him. The epiphany came when he realised he didn't hurt Jess so much with what he did but with what he didn't do and taking the first U-turn in sight days later felt like the best decision he ever made in his life. She was waiting, in want of unconditional love and he came knocking.

"I love you Jess and I promise we'll work this all out."

"You make too many promises. I need something solid."

He pulled an envelope out of his coat pocket. "I'm withdrawing."

"From the DOJ?"

"No. I'm not completely crazy. This letter means no more indefinite Undercover ops, no more leaving in the middle of the night and no more taking advantage of the one who I love most."

"That sounds like an important letter."

"I had…_have_ motivation. So is there room at the inn?"

She started to smile before reading the situation over. "Nothing's changed. You're still taking advantage by making my decision for me."

"I'm making a sacrifice."

"After you deemed it appropriate."

"You asked me to choose."

"I asked you to choose me and that always happens too late."

"Jess, I never meant to trust you so kept my distance and even then I couldn't hide from you. You made me believe in something so real, I couldn't handle it; you took me to my limits. Now if you expect me to just walk away from the best thing that's ever happened to me then you're wrong."

"Am I?"

"I'm going to leave flowers at your door every morning," He started to recite from her favourite mushy film.

"I'm allergic." She rebutted.

"…throw rocks at your window every night,"

"Maryland P.D. isn't too friendly."

"…and show up at your office every day,"

"I'll warn security."

"…until you –"

"Shut up." She hugged him. "I thought you hated that film."

"I do. We have a lot to work out but right now I'm headed to Albuquerque."

"Okay."

"You're welcome to join me."

"I can't. Mom and Doug –"

"Right, I'll call you."

She nodded and they shared an awkward hug that said neither knew where they stood. He got to the end of the hall before he stooped and turned around. "Do you remember when drove to New Hampshire?"

"We didn't get all the way to Quebec because –"

"We watched the sunrise over Lake Winnipesaukee and you decided there and then you couldn't leave, and we didn't have breakfast because the old lady who owned the café said I looked like her ex-husband."

"So we had brunch instead,"

"If you call lemon sorbet and Madeira cake breakfast."

"…and you got that tattoo that said 'Live Free or Die' because you saw it on a license plate."

"No. I got it because I was with you. We should go back there sometime."

"Maybe June." He smiled at her and left.

_Christmas day._

As soon as Antonio left to pick up his parents from the airport, Kelly and Nicole infused the house with Chicago flavour. The Jones Girls' harmonies battled with the surround sound of the best Bears games of the season. They sang along to "Dance turned into a romance," made paralyzing egg nog and spent quality time together. Nicole transformed somehow, there was something about being with the people she felt the strongest sense of belonging with that did that, or so Antonio thought as he came in with his parents to Nicole and Kelly rehashing dance moves that dated back at least two decades.

As Nina and then Jess, Doug and Toni later arrived; she was still unapologetically Nicole. She refused to call Vidal 'Dad' or to be goaded to speak Spanish even though she understood or to make promises of having children in the near future; but more importantly she achieved the goal of making everyone, blood and acquired, feel like family.

"…To this day I don't know what it is about Peach Schnapps that makes a reasonable teenage girl act a fool in the back seat of a Nova." Jess and Kelly laughed with her in the kitchen, as did everyone who by right wasn't supposed to hear recounts of old teenage escapades. Jess was halfway through 'The origin of her illegal ten-year-old tattoo' when Colin made an unexpected appearance.

Everyone who could, listened by the door with Toni positioned closest. This was another unexpected event in the last three-and-a-half years of their lives; whereby she was in a room with three people who understood what it felt like to have a child in the FBI. They shared the same fears and feigned the same support even though life seemed much easier before this chapter. Her convenient stance allowed her to hear it first. She was surprised that that was her daughter saying all the things she would've in the situation and felt a rush of guilt for giving Jess a hard time for being herself. The door opened.

"He's staying." Was all Jess would say before blurting the truth out over dinner.

"You didn't actually threaten her?" Jess asked for confirmation.

Nicole shrugged her shoulders and made circles of smoke in the air.

"Of course she did." Kelly replied, repeating history of inhaling then coughing out the smoke like a rookie. "That's her man." Jess waited for an answer.

"I guess we'll never know." Nicole said in her elusive tone. "I'm happy for you Jess."

"Me too. He's fine."

_A few days later._

"I never intended to make you feel like that cariña. I did it to understand what makes you so special but everything I need to know is right in front of me. We'll miss you."

"Os extrañaré también."

"There's hope for you yet."


	8. Family Portrait ptI

_New Years Day 2008._

Fireworks exploded over the Potomac, lighting the water in purple, green, and blue. Despite the cold, she was still grinning so wide her cheeks hurt, and not just because her in-laws had taken their consuming concept of family back to the Lower East Side. For what felt like a long time, but in reality wasn't, she was finally able love him as loudly and ardently as she wanted to. Nicole's kryptonite duelled with Raquel's hex for dominance however it was the power of his decision that determined the winning force. At times over the holiday he contemplated telling her the unabridged truth he confided to his sister but there was no reason justifiable enough to take the joy from her, besides she had already said she cared more for who he was to her and he didn't want that to change.

"How was New Year's?" Nicole asked, handing Jess a strong black coffee.

"Terrible. Mom and Doug left then we couldn't stop arguing."

"About?"

"Family. Don't you think it's strange that I've never met his?"

"He could have a good reason for that. Not every family is like yours."

"That's what he said."

"Jess, why do you think it was so easy for him to spend Christmas with you? You said it yourself; they're not close and he loves you."

"Did you know he has a twin called Drew? They're tight in every way possible."

"So if it's Drew he wants to introduce you to then that's most important to him. You've got to acknowledge that."

"I don't understand it."

"You don't have to but you can't treat him like the enemy for something he can't do."

"I guess," Jess somewhat conceded, "Has Kelly given any more thought to moving here?"

"She's serious about it, she plans to move here this summer and find Ethan a school before he starts sixth grade. I want it to work out for her, you know?"

Jess nodded. "I think I might tell him about the termination."

"That's a big step."

"If he can't handle that then we're not going anywhere. All I want is for us to be solid."

"I think that's very brave and I hope he does too."

Antonio passed around manila folders, joining them in the bullpen.

"Have you heard about Pollock?" He asked.

Jess shook her head, moving into Agent mode.

"They're just rumours; he's getting his twelve days of Christmas with his kids. Period." Nicole dismissed the office gossip. "Now what's going on in Alexandria?"

"Missing woman named Carmina Davide, twenty-eight, no kids, married to Leticia Dorming-"

"Wow. I've never met an Italian lesbian." Nicole looked at her in amused puzzlement. "Sorry, go on."

"She disappeared at a New Year's display at Founders Park. You know the one we missed." Nicole looked away. "Anyway, Leticia claims she turned around and she wasn't there anymore. Local PD is searching the park but unless she was murdered there-"

"It's a forensic cul-de-sac." Nicole answered.

"With no records of commercial flights, credit card usage or car rentals since Christmas Eve, it's somewhat safe to say she didn't leave voluntarily. I'm going to their home to confirm that." Jess said, putting on her jacket.

"She's got to have a past that predates this relationship; I'll look into it."

"This says this owns a speed-dating company that host fortnightly events at the Griselde Bar; the last was on the night of the 28th and her personal office space is a block away; I'm on it."

Jess fought the temptation to console Leticia who was clearly in pieces. The worry made her forehead frown and she was shaking as she held (and spilled) her mug of green tea.

"What did she tell you about her family?"

"She grew up in Connecticut and decided early on she wanted more for her life, so she came to college in Virginia and never left. We met six years ago," She paused and gazed for a while, "and this is our life together."

"Was she unhappy in the relationship?"

"You mean marriage. We had our civil partnership ceremony in August 2004."

"No offence."

"None taken. She's perfectly happy, we both are. Her business is booming, my art is taking on a new life, frankly so are we. There's no way she'd just leave. Not like this."

Antonio spun around from the computer in the lab, "He gave these up voluntarily?" He asked the same rhetorical question he used to pose in Phoenix and just like then all he could do was shake his head and start loading the hard drives. "What've _you_ got?"

"Besides killer new shoes that is." Nicole said, acknowledging Jess' manipulation of office time.

"A loving wife and a 23 profit increase at work. _I_ want her life."

"Someone's trying to tear it apart." Nicole replied.

"She changed her name in 1999. Her birth name is Romola Gaspirini of the Gaspirini family from-"

" Phoenix." Nicole interrupted. "Oh my God."

"What happened?"

"The Gaspirini Six specialised in witness intimidation; they ruined almost a dozen trials, from threats to arson to murder."

"So you convicted them?"

"Four of them." Antonio answered. "One was acquitted and one skipped the country."

"Romola?"

"No. Her brother Beppe." Nicole exhaled.

"There was a flight that left Barber field at 5.10a.m. It's owned by the Scapins."

"And the Scapins are?"

"Lia Scapin, now Lia Gaspirini is Carmina's sister-in-law."

"Beppe's wife." Antonio clarified before locking eyes with Nicole.

"The thing is; they know our faces so granted Pollock authorises it, we need you to find out what they're doing with her-"

"And what they're up to right? What if I have a vision?"

"We can give you medication with hallucinatory side-effects. It would be a placebo that explained that."

"Won't it seem convenient that I showed up?"

"Jess, you don't have to do it; the T&D division can get someone else."

"No I want to Nic. Will you run me?"

"We can't, but someone you can trust will go in if things get…out of hand." Antonio shot Nicole another knowing look. "What do you say?" He asked.

Pollock hesitantly signed the forms the following day but showed no sign of coming back to work. "Don't embarrass me."

"Have I ever?"

"By no means should you alert the Phoenix office."

"You got it sir."

"Don't kill her Scott." He said unexpectedly, shifting the tone of conversation.

"I won't."

"I'm going back to the hospital."

"I know sir." She put her hand on his shoulder.

_ Phoenix, Arizona._

"What are you doing here?" Jess yelled at she dumped her bag on the floor of the hotel room. Jack was sprawled out on the bed in his suit, watching his favourite syndicated sports show.

"Scott called; I'm your contact. Surprise!" He smiled in face of her disgust. "It won't do but it's a worthy substitute for _us_."

"Dare to dream."

"You need me; embrace it." He walked towards her.

"I stopped needing you a long time ago."

"If you keep thinking like that; you won't save anyone but speaking of us-"

"There is no us."

"Grow up." Their faces were almost touching.

"Says the coward."

"Did you grow horns over Christmas?"

"Did you grow balls?"

"I don't need this."

"To hell with you and your passive indecision, driving me crazy every time I see you."

Their kiss lead them to the bed like her recurring vision. "Now that we're on the same page," He said lying on top of her, still fully clothed.

"Let's get the job done." She said conscious of herself and her leftover feelings.

"What?" Nicole replied to his stare. "I'm not smoking; I had a few cigarettes, that's all. Why does it feel so good?"

"It's like all things that are bad for you."

"Does that include you?"

He laughed off her rhetorical question. "Any word from Jack?"

"No. I bet he's working her nerves though. What if Romola was involved before she became Carmina, the Gaspirini Seven?"

"Then we've put Jess in the thick of it."

"Romola was either running from her guilt of the trauma; do you think she saw the Ivan Carling murder?"

"The young doctor who was a key witness until he was taken out at his sister's house?"

"That's the one."

"The timing fits, seeing as she lied to Leticia. She graduated from Southwestern, she was here at the time of the murder. This brings back a lot of old memories."

"Exactly, let's split up."

"I'll question the former Arizona DA, in the meantime-"

"I'll find out what Romola's involvement was in the Carling murder."


	9. Family Portrait ptII

Nicole sat across from Sophia Rowlett, the key witness at the murder of her brother Ivan Carling, and couldn't help but detect the duplicity that underpinned everything she said. The phrase 'Thou dost protest too much' resounded in her ears but she masked her suspicion enough to keep Sophia going.

"I've always wanted the truth to be known about my brother. Romola set him up but he was still in love with her to his last breath. I couldn't understand it. The night he was killed, he intended to propose; I still have the ring."

"Was she in love with him?"

"I never knew her personally; from what he said I thought it was genuine. I guess not, since she as good as held a gun to his head."

"When was the last time you saw her?" Sophia stalled. "If you think painting yourself as the angelic sister will preserve his memory you're wrong; you said it yourself,_you_ want the truth to be known."

"The night he was shot dead, in my house. He came to me to hide because Witness Protection was too constraining."

"In your original statement you said Romola led her brother Beppe to your house and he murdered your brother that night."

"That's what happened. My brother had seen Beppe kill before, what better way was there to know his whereabouts than through her? He told her everything. Did you know while I was waiting for the paramedics she had the nerve to cry? But I wouldn't let her touch him. She ran. What kind of person misses the love of their life's funeral? I haven't seen her since."

_Julian's looked the same as it did in 1998, the moniker hadn't changed but they had. The nostalgic feeling most people would give themselves to was what turned her stomach every way possible. That undesirable distress fought her hunger and curiously, she couldn't eat. _

_"You can **eat**." He sat back and observed. _

_"I eat for sustenance not for show." _

_"As I can see." _

_"If you want some, don't be shy." She chewed for a while then looked up. "I didn't mean it like that." She said, taking back the double entendre. _

_"Right. So, about your first partner, did you **want** him to get shot?" His invasive question was one of many that were on his mind since he read her record a week before. _

_"You think you're so slick; just because you've done your homework that doesn't mean I'll answer that." _

_"So what they say is true then?" _

_"What, that I'm a ballbreaker? Only when it suits the situation." _

_"Since we started working together, I've thought there should be more women at the office." _

_"Is that supposed to impress me? It would if I believed you." _

_"It's true." _

_"Then why do you play G.I. Joe on the field? Is that to impress me too?" _

_"I do not." _

_"Yes you do, Mr. Flex." _

_"So you've noticed me? Now we're getting somewhere. You're a distraction." _

_She clutched her fork. "Excuse me?" _

_"That roundhouse kick of yours, it always throws me off. I've never seen a woman do anything like that." _

_"Well Cortez, you ain't seen nothin' yet." _

If her reflexes weren't so sharp, he would've snatched the cigarette in one clear swoop.

"You know I hate that smell, especially on you."

She stubbed it out in the clear ashtray on the table. "I'm worried _and_ you kept me waiting."

"Do you believe Sophia?"

"I don't believe in her innocence but I do think there was more to the relationship between Ivan and Romola than Beppe." A smile crept across her face on hearing a familiar instrumental. Howard Hewett's I commit to love gave her a lighter feeling. "Do you remember why the case closed?"

"It was something about the A.D. breathing down Marks' neck; he insisted we stop working on it. The former D.A. of Arizona refused to talk. Even to me."

"Shocking." She rebutted with sarcasm.

"What's shocking is the last property Ivan bought is in Romola's name, just before he was killed."

"Do you think she knew?"

Jess moved her right hand from the bullet wound in her left arm and dug her phone out of one of her many jacket pockets. "I haven't got much time." She gasped at the pulsating pain in her other limb.

"Then short-form it." Jack said, simultaneously trying to get a signal from her PDA.

"She's here. She's right here. I had a vision that led me here."

"Where are you?"

"I…" Jess' dial tone came shortly after a familiar sound. A sound he dreaded the entire time; another gunshot meant another possibility he didn't want to consider but had to acknowledge. Several attempts to call her failed and he became another angry, impatient face waiting at the hospital.

In the meantime; Nicole was at the Phoenix police headquarters, interviewing Romola Gaspirini a.k.a. Carmina Davide and secretly awaiting news of Jess' wellbeing.

"Call me Carmina; that's who I am."

Nicole nodded. "Carmina, I need to know everything that happened that night and everything related to it."

"When Sophia found out who I was she threatened to tell Ivan. I only went there to convince her otherwise; I never expected him to be there but he was, and he was so scared. He told me he wished there was another way for us to be together, another lifetime. You see, Beppe knew about us because she told him."

"How did you know?"

"She called me at work; telling my brother was a warning to stay away. Telling Ivan was a punishment to incur if I didn't."

"What was her interest?"

"She said it was his welfare. If that was the case why did she kill him?"

"Excuse me?"

"Sophia should have been born in my family; it's in her blood. I was…I _am_ like Ivan, we're not cynically hostile."

Nicole processed the revelation for a while before sliding a jewellery box across the table. Carmina smiled at its contents. "I would have worn it too. I…_Romola_ was a coward; she ran before justice was served because she…_I_ was a coward. I heard about the house from an old friend, Lia. All this used to be mine but now I don't belong here. Poor Ivan; he fell in love with a Gaspirini and it killed him."

"What was Sophia's aim?"

"She worked for our family; Beppe even went as far to call her the seventh Gaspirini. That's why he flew to Caracas afterwards, to take the heat off of her. I heard she was too traumatised to take the stand. How ironic."

"It must have been hard to set up again."

"It was no more difficult than anything I'd been through before; now I have to explain my would-have-been husband to my wife. I can't count how many lies I've told her."

Nicole opened the door to the interrogation room and followed Carmina out.

She crushed the mint between her teeth to mask the smell. Out of weakness, she joined the band of smokers outside the hospital five minutes earlier and bummed a free cigarette in spite of the full box sitting at the bottom of her purse.

"I would say go in there but she has company." Nicole could hear Jack and Colin's bickering from down the hall. "Marcella Gordon finally returned my calls."

"Don't start."

"What? It was as good for her career as it was for ours and _she_ doesn't smoke." His attempt to get a rise out of her was unappreciated.

"I better head off and locate Sophia."

"She's in a room downstairs, Jess shot her."

"That's my girl."

Nicole carried that sentiment into her hospital room where Colin was nearly crushing Jess' hand and Jack refused to leave. She was relieved to see her.

"The nurse said Jess can only have one visitor." Nicole lied. Colin gave her hand another squeeze and Jack stayed put. "Look, boyfriend trumps ex-boyfriend." Colin naturally agreed. "Girlfriend trumps both. Right Jess?" Jess took her hand back and laughed at them reluctantly leaving. "Great job out there Jess."

"How does it feel to be back?" Jess seized the opportunity to bring up something she always wanted to know about.

"Confusing. I have mixed feelings about the choices and mistakes I made, more so the mistakes."

"Loving him or losing him?"

"Both. You'll lie your way out of here won't you?"

"By the morning." Jess said with confidence. "Are you okay?"

"I think so."

Nicole didn't know how to tell him she was confronted with an old feeling that she only recognised when they returned to its source. It felt like something was missing between them, that something was out of touch. She finally understood how Janie felt in her favourite book when "something fell of the shelf inside of her" because she was losing him and he wasn't who he said he was. The hunch she had had for months mattered as much as it should have; it was a pit that deepened as she reflected more on what it meant. It meant she was being lied to and her grip was loosening. And again, it hurt because she loved him.


	10. If It Isn't Love

In life there were two things she feared the most; rejection and being left alone. He didn't bug her like he used to and that meant he didn't care to know what was bothering her even if it wasn't. Something told her not to be mistrustful but she knew that wasn't really her; she had survived this long by never underestimating what someone was capable of; especially a man. What irked her most was his oblivious happiness of which reason told her to leave well alone. For him to be that happy she must have been doing something right. Or…_fuck!_ She thought.

Back in Sacramento, she once heard someone say 'There's nothing more dangerous than a woman left alone with her suspicion.' Running the curling iron through her hair one last time, she agreed. Before she knew it she was at a club in Adams Morgan with a group of 'friends' she called solely for that purpose. They were regulars and she remembered what that felt like. Robyn's Who's that girl was blaring and her back was furthest from the wall. In fact she danced until the balls of her feet were on fire. To her the men were commonplace but the high wasn't; she used to do this every night and wondered why she ever stopped. She was one Harvey Wallbanger away from dancing on a table and only a 911 call from Nina could stop her.

"What's wrong?" She yelled over the noise in the restroom.

"With you? A lot, clearly. And why are you yelling? Where are you? Do you know it's four a.m.?"

"Already? Damn."

"Yeah. Damn. Where are you?

"I'm grown Mom."

"Then get your grown ass home."

"I can't."

"You have a car don't you?"

"In this neighbourhood?"

"This isn't you Nikki."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You went to Phoenix which made you mad at yourself so you want to be mad at him by association. I get it, I've done it but one day you'll both realise all you have to fear is fear itself and then you can stop playing games and…" Nicole stopped her mother's good sense with a flip of the phone. She already knew her problem; she wasn't used to vying for Antonio's attention or someone else doting over him, because she didn't. That wasn't the way she loved him. She didn't know how and if her way stood in the real world and for a chilling moment in Phoenix she was taken by the thought that it didn't, that it lacked what she felt was so solid and potent when they were together and because of their rocky past; her insecurity told her they weren't forever, to which her reasoning yielded.

She crashed on the bed, alone and slept until the afternoon where she woke up the presence of a familiar visitor.

"I think it's creepy to watch people sleep. Just so you know."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

"You should talk about it."

"I don't know if it matters anymore."

"It matters to me. Come on."

Jess' words became unintelligible as soon as she saw him, leaving the Agent from Maryland bemused on the phone.

"What are you doing here?" She asked in a more user-friendly tone than their previous encounters allowed.

"I'm heading back to Manhattan. I thought you should know." With all they shared, their whole relationship seemed reduced to a few words and an awkward silence. "I'm not leaving Jess; if that makes any sense." Somehow it did, and that's why a few weeks later when she received a pair of keys in the mail she kept them. Though for that moment, she had to avert a potential disaster. Nicole was in an unexpectedly pleasant mood while walking towards Antonio's office. Jess tried to stall her with news of what had happened in her absence but that only stretched so far.

"Where's Antonio?" Blood boiled in her veins and rid her of her conscience; her bad angel had her good angel in a headlock. The voice of the high-schooler inside of her took precedence.

Jess thought on her feet. "There's a seminar at Virginia State."

Unfortunately, Nicole's curiosity got the best of her and her intuition was proved right; Raquel was in the building, but now that she stood eye to eye with it, she didn't know what to do or say. Her stomach felt like a pit and though she couldn't hear what they were saying or decode the looks on their faces; _she_ felt like the intruder. The high-schooler said it was okay to stab her but the woman with the full blown Phoenix fever didn't know what to do without embodying a madness that only accounted for a fraction of what she felt. All she could do was call Tobias Burke the Maryland SAIC from the John Doe case and agree to the undercover job he'd offered her a few days before.

Antonio went home to find the wrong woman doing laundry.

"My dryer broke. Actually I kicked it; then it broke. Where's Nicole?"

"I thought she was here." Nina shook her head. "I've been here for an hour."

He looked for a note, an action which brought on a painful feeling of déjà-vu, but instead of a divorce lawyer's letterhead, hers was written on the back of a flyer for a banana yellow 1970 Hemi Dodge Challenger Convertible. It was low on details and had a dubious 'I love you' written at the bottom. He called her as Nina left.

"You've reached Agent Nicole Scott, leave a message at the beep." _Beep._


	11. What You're Made Of

Nicole remembers going too far with Landon and feeling attracted to him beyond the character of Alex. All this time she's seen Raquel as that equivalent; someone you pursue more with after the job is done. She can't and hasn't accused Antonio of the things she was guilty of; she did things with Landon that if known could have hurt Antonio and did regardless. Their actions mirrored each other even though they took each others' place in the here and now.

She paced up and down the hotel room grappling with her overdue guilt and asking why she was in Essex in the first place. The job itself was just another notch on her long list of achievements so the reason why she absconded was the same as why she left Phoenix; partially for herself and otherwise so as not to deal with him.

"She was here?" He asked, as Jess went over her testimony in a trial taking place later on that day.

"Briefly. I guess seeing Raquel again must have thrown her off."

"You mean she was jealous."

"I've never known Nicole to be that simple."

"I have. When we broke up all she could do was make snide comments about my moving on."

"She reacted to it that way because you were so eager to move on and act as though she wasn't important to you anymore. Therefore, she thought you wanted to feel that way too."

"So why didn't she say that?"

"Because she's Nicole Scott and it doesn't fit in with all her other _charming_ characteristics."

He laughed on reflection. "Where's Colin?"

"Cooped up in his office; resigned to a second-rate career because of me."

"It was his decision." He argued, relating it to his previous scenario with Nicole.

"No. It was mine; I thrust it on him to spare my own feelings. Would you love Nicole more if she gave up the Bureau for you?"

"She wouldn't."

"What if she could?"

"I really don't know. I can't imagine her anywhere else or doing this job with anyone else. No offence."

"None taken."

For the first time in her life, she knew what it was like to be him; and she was sorry that the time they had spent together was dominated by the reverberations of negative things to a point where at times joy was sporadic and sparse. On the surface Christmas '07 was the best to date and she questioned what proportion of that holiday she spent being herself. Being with someone who she had hurt so much was in many ways confining because it seemed the worst times they had shared were marked by her simply being herself. Those feelings of inadequacy and misplaced judgment at his hands were things she could never bring herself to say even though she had every right to.

_"That man is a saint."_

_"Nicole, if Antonio said nothing happened then I believe him."_

It was then that she understood what made her so unhappy; to others Antonio was the hero and she was the problem that needed saving. When in fact she had no reason to live under the misinterpretation especially if that was something he also subscribed to. The truth was she loved him in an inconceivable way and wasn't about to reduce herself for anyone. With Agent Burke's call she secured the hidden gun and sped to the location.

For someone who hated being sneaked up on, she had mastered the skill and used it against him.

"Did you call?" She asked in reference to the number on the flyer.

"Yeah. He said a hot woman already bought it." She smiled. "What's going on between us?"

"A hell of a lot, as usual."

"Do you think it'll ever be easy?"

"It hasn't up to this point so I doubt it."

"Right."

"But if it was; I wouldn't want it. If you'll fight for me like I'd fight for you; everything's going to be alright. So Cortez, what's on tonight?"

"Let's go home; I'm sure we'll figure something out."

It took every ounce of grace for Nicole not to ask the question which, like a bomb, would cascade in their living room and threatened to leave their marriage on the cutting room floor. She had asked others before, but this time she wasn't sure of the answer and dreaded hearing "Yes" because that would be the disintegration of her faith in him, faith that she was determined to hold on to. With a grip tight enough to hold a life together, she did just that, daring another woman to transcend what she felt for him and taken by what he felt for her.

He didn't understand what was going on as though Nicole had ensnared him in a blissful ignorance that was the prelude to a hurricane. What she didn't ask, he didn't answer and this time it was his turn to wear guilt as an invisible cloak. He woke her in the early hours of the morning. "This had better be good." She said in the tone of a grizzly bear.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"When you were having your one on one with her? Because I thought there's nothing I can say to make me feel less stupid than I do now."

"What do you want to know?"

"Nothing. I've…_almost_ let it go."

"Why? That's not like you."

"Because if I don't, I have a feeling I won't be here much longer. Goodnight." She felt around for the lamp, knocking over the alarm clock in the process. "Please don't ask me another question."

"Why not?"

She exhaled. "There you go again, acting like you don't know what's going on, or what you're doing or how I feel about it. Playing dumb doesn't suit you Antonio especially when you know what's bothering me and you're not even trying to change it. And before you ask what I'm talking about, when you damn well know, let me clarify; it's not enough for you to be attracted to each other. You invite her to gush over you in my office. You blew me off when I needed to talk to you, to be with her."

"How could I have known that's what you had to tell me?"

"So? In Phoenix, I thought back to how one-sided we were…and still are."

"That's not true."

"Everything's okay as long as I'm the problem. Maybe you prefer it that way; I don't. You're so wrapped up in yourself you don't see what you're doing to me. Hell, you can't even see the changes in me."

"Yes I can."

"When's the last time I had a cigarette Antonio? Yeah. It's just like I thought but before I go to sleep mad, again; I bought the muscle car." She picked up the alarm clock. "Oh look, happy anniversary."


	12. Still Here

"So that's how it went down?"

Nicole exhaled deeply, affected twice after recounting what had happened to her sister. "_Down_ being the key word, yeah."

"I'm sorry Nikki."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. Why didn't I marry for money like the smart ones do?"

Kelly laughed. "Look on the bright side; at least you didn't show your ass at work."

"True. In a way I feel better, you know…"

"Catharsis."

"Exactly, but then I think; here I am on my first crappy anniversary."

"You shouldn't feel bad; it's been coming for a long time. He can't expect you to hold your tongue for the rest of your life. We're from Chicago and everybody knows…"

"Girls from the Midwest are not to be fucked with."

"Besides if he's really who you say he is; he'll have fixed everything before sun down."

Kelly's optimistic musings weren't genuine; she thought it was just a matter of time until Antonio unfurled and his flaws came to the surface. To her; he was just like all the others but in an articulate, well-put-together package. Since the disastrous and destructive experience that had been her marriage and the negative encounter she and Benny shared post hoc; she didn't believe in one man on the planet. With that said she still took the money from Lionel to start her new life in D.C. with Ethan and knew it wasn't the right time to tell Nicole if there was any at all.

"I can't wait for you to get here."

"I don't know whether Baltimore or Wheaton is best."

"Whichever's closest to me is."

"I knew you'd say that."

"Kell, are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"_Are_ you?"

"Nikki I'm fine, I promise." On the phone with hundreds of miles between them, they fell into their sororal roles which were so defined and weather-bearing that for a moment they forgot whatever was on their minds. It was that reassurance and support that Kelly was moving for and Nicole was sorely missing.

By the time he had lifted the car cover, Nicole had already left for the gym. She was trying to get him out of her system while he admired the waxed Mopar muscle car. He wondered how she managed to hide in the garage for however long without him noticing but if the way she had concealed her feeling up to this point were anything to go by, he wasn't too surprised. Just the week before, he was putting the finishing touches to their first anniversary plans; he thought everything was fine. No, better than fine; great even but last night Nicole had put a hole in that like a pin to a balloon and this time he couldn't blame her. He was taken aback by her Ram-like explosion and like all injured crabs he retreated until the mid-afternoon hit. She was venting her remaining frustration at a suspect in the interrogation room. The buzzer sounded and she left the suspect sweating bullets.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure."

"Last night was…sobering."

"It wasn't easy for me either." Her tone was more sombre than he expected.

"So how long _has_ it been?"

She barely glances at her watch. "Too long. I need a cigarette.

"I'm sorry you felt so…"

"Hurt? Unappreciated? Neglected?" She prompted him with words that extended beyond the usual anger he pre-empted.

"Yeah. Maybe I did underestimate you, but that's only because I'm used to being out on the ledge by myself. You were right; it's not like that anymore."

"I love you so much it hurts, but I never thought it would hurt like this."

"I made reservations at Amani's Rose, you love that restaurant."

"I've never been."

"You always wanted to; you say that every time we go to Berwyn Heights."

"Not tonight. I don't feel good. Not inside anyway."

"Let me make it up to you."

"Then hold me. Make me feel like nothing matters. I want to trust you like it's easy."

"It is. You can't stop trusting me."

"Was there more?

"No."

"I mean more than Francisca told me; you know that girl can't keep a secret."

"No. I'm…"

"_Don't_ say you're sorry. I knew; I'm still here."

Jess took her report back to her office, upon a glance of Nicole and Antonio's overdue embrace, where she finally returned Jack's messages.

"Did you get the keys?"

"They're right here."

"Use them whenever you want."

"That's what I meant to say; I won't or rather, I can't."

"Did Ronny say so?"

"It's Colin and my decision. I'm…we're expecting."

"That's…"

"You don't have to say anything nice, or at all."

"Does he know what he's got?"

"Yes. I care about you Jack but I think it's better this way."

_Six months later. _

When she heard the voice cracking to Ronnie and Debra Laws' Very Special, jess knew she had come to the right place. Even though she was hours early, Nicole, Nina and Kelly refused to let her lift a finger or see the living room until they were done transforming it for her baby shower. She snacked on Cheetos, grapes and Greek yoghurt while reminiscing on an argument she had on Nicole and Antonio's anniversary.

_"I know I'm the last person you want to take advice from." Jess said. _

_"But you're still going to give it to me, right?" _

_"Nic," _

_"Jess, when you stop playing around with your ex behind Colin's back; then you can give me advice." _

_"I am not." _

_"Then why are you holding onto those keys? Colin loves you, we all know he's a fixer-upper but he's trying and every time you get a chance you act as though you're still Jack's girlfriend. Why would you do that? Do you want to hurt him?" _

_"Of course not." _

_"Then stop. I understand the last six months haven't been at all easy for you; with your mom, your men, your self-esteem and your baby but after all that I thought you still knew what it meant to be loyal." _

_"I am loyal. There's a new life waiting for me in Manhattan but I'm still here. Every day it looks more appealing yet I've stayed put because of Colin, you, Antonio, hell even Pollock. It's loyalty that tells me to ignore what I want so I don't hurt any of you. Especially Colin and above anyone else, this baby. So don't you tell me I don't care about him when I've put him before me **again.**" _

Jess had been snapping at people ever since, so it surprised her that so many people showed up even if it was just to see if she'd swelled up. She wanted to care and to be happy but the more excited everyone else was, the more she wasn't. She didn't even know the sex yet simply because she was uninterested. So when no-one was looking she sneaked off to the garage and fell into the backseat of Antonio's beloved Dodge.

"What's up?" Antonio asked, the half-asleep, upset, crazy pregnant woman who'd made a home out of his car. To her, those two words were an invitation.

"I don't know if I'm having this baby for me, for Colin or because I'm so stupid I made the same mistake twice." She paused for what felt like a nanosecond before answering her doubt. "It's obvious; I can't have Jack anymore and I won't have Colin anymore if I give it up because he'll fell I'm giving up on him and although you say I'm not, I'm giving up on me a little too. No more field work for the next year at least, I'll probably get transferred; I should move back to Indiana where it's safe. What am I doing here Antonio?"

"I…"

"Why me? And what's a hydrangea? They're everywhere; I hate flowers I just thought you should know." Antonio gave her his hand to help her out of the car. "You're a good friend Antonio." He nodded kind of sympathetically.

"Jess is weird." Was all Antonio could say after everyone had gone.

"That's nothing compared to the look she gave that woman for touching her stomach. As if she was saying; _it's not a crystal ball; it's a baby_…"

"Do you think she'll be okay?"

"Sure, that's what Colin's for; to absorb the crazy and protect us innocent folks. It's all love."

"You think so?"

"She knows how deep her love is for the baby so much so that she's overwhelmed and wants to resist it. She'll be just fine; all good mothers are nuts."

"Is yours included?"

"Her man is younger than me; you make the call."

_Two months later. _

After jumping state lines and speeding through numerous red lights, Colin was on time, meaning he missed all the toil that caused him discomfort to watch, for the birth of his daughter; Michelina Drew McNeil. He was the first person she'd seen that day whose hand she didn't crush or who she didn't get yelled at simply because she was exhausted and relieved that it was all over. Although tulips from Jack suggested it would never be. When Antonio received the final call from Raquel while at the hospital; it took all that he said he was, to let it keep ringing.

"You've reached Antonio Cortez. Go on, leave a message." Nicole's voice ended with a polysemic laugh. _Beep_.


	13. Chivalry Revived

I know I said I was on hiatus. People if only you know how much stress I'm under but I shall prevail. With that said I needed a release to ease off some of the pressure and I thought of Through the fire and how much I loved it and more so, how hard it was to write it because...well you can guess. Oh BTW I live in the UK so that's why I spell the real English (just kidding I'm used to the Americanisms - no offense) but I changed the word "Mum" to "Mom" because that's how Jess or Nicole would pronounce it. I know it's irrelevant bear with me though, like I said I live in Diaspora because I'm Zambian. (Proudly African ...) Where was I? Oh, this idea came to me on the train and here we are so much love to everyone worldwide and this has been truly cathartic. Utmost respect to the real men (few and far between...)

Peace x

* * *

_Six months later_.

"What did you do to that woman?" Jess asked, content that her need for adult conversation was quenched as Nicole took Michelina in her arms as soon as she got through the door. She regularly filled Jess in on what had happened at the office in her absence, despite it being against regulations.

"I arrested her. Wasn't that implied?"

"I meant Raquel. Come on Nic, it's been months. I've earned it."

Nicole's eyes flitted around the room as she made a shifty comment. "I never touched her."

"If you say so."

Nicole was eager to change the subject. "Have you given any more thought to coming back?"

"Every time I think I'm ready, I fall back into the Army Wives trap."

"You could always ask him to come back."

"No, I'm the one who encouraged him to take that deep cover op and I can handle it. Honestly, I never thought it would be this hard." Jess found that baring her soul to Nicole was quite distracting when she was blowing raspberries on the baby's stomach. "I never thought I would feel this lonely."

"Call him." Nicole said as though it was the simplest solution.

"I can't."

"Why not? Tell him you love him and you need him here. You miss him don't you?"

Jess was about to respond when she realised the last question was directed towards her daughter. "She doesn't understand." She responded to Nicole's strange habit.

"She understands everything I say and fifty bucks says she'll tell you that, as soon as she's ready."

"The thing is; I don't know if I want him to come back."

Nicole took her attentive eyes off her goddaughter and finally understood what Jess was missing.

"I'm surprised you called." Raquel said as she took her goggles off and untied the scrunchy on her ponytail. The image of her shaking her hair loose reminded Antonio of a tacky soft-core film he once saw on cable with Nicole; they laughed the whole way through. "I thought I was dead to you. That wife of yours is really…something." He couldn't ignore the juxtaposition and what it implied. "You look well."

"Thanks." He said that when nothing else seemed fitting.

"Though, _well _doesn't always mean happy. Did you hear about my book?"

"No, congratulations though."

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

"Has your wife ever told you you're a terrible liar? You have this giveaway sign, besides the usual stuttering your nostrils flare a little every time you say something you don't mean."

"Okay, so I heard about your book and my wife says women at her salon in Bowie are buzzing about it."

"Lucky for me."

"That's what I came to discuss. This longitudinal research of yours…"

"Yes you are included Antonio. I have a rough copy of _your_ chapter lying around somewhere."

"S-so you can change it?"

"I'm sorry it's already gone to print. Why?"

"You should have told me."

"Confounding. Variable."

"My. Marriage."

"Oh come on, your wife's got much more fight in her than that. Between you and me; she _really_ wants to make it work. You shouldn't pre-judge, you haven't even seen the manuscript. Why don't you come to the signing? I can even send you an invitation to the launch too." She looked down at her watch. "Sorry we couldn't talk for longer. I think you'll be flattered by the results."

"How long have you been talking to Jack?" Nicole asked, wiping the dribble from her hair.

"He calls every now and then. I already know it's wrong so I'd appreciate it if you don't judge."

Nicole knew there was so much she wasn't telling. "When was the last time you saw him? I mean _after_ the birth."

"Three weeks ago. Before you say it, I know what's right for my baby and I'm putting her first. That's why I'm here."

"That's no way to live Jess. _You're_ not happy. Look I know things are complicated and you feel tied down here, but you're as free as you believe you are. You're in love with Jack."

"It doesn't mean anything."

"That need won't die until it's satisfied Jess. Lina needs a father as much as you _want_ Jack."

Nicole's musing was enough to induce the tears Jess had held back for so long. She remembered her lack of enthusiasm leading up to the birth of her child and how it reflected her reluctance to spend her life with Colin even though they had a good reason. Everything she told herself she deserved went out of the window the moment she resigned herself to being with Colin again and subscribed to the same hitch. She didn't even recognise herself in the mirror. "I feel like myself when I'm with him. This isn't me Nic. This can't be my life."

Antonio beat Nicole home to check the mail. He didn't want an invitation; he thought it was over. His nerves were working overtime at the thought of what she could have written and the possibility of and room for embellishment. His fear of being the anti-hero made him paranoid. Nicole had a way of rubbing her head against his chest like a cat searching for a comfortable spot. It was with her feline prowess that she sneaked up on him without being heard. If it wasn't for the sensation of her tongue running up the side of his neck he wouldn't have known she was there.

"You know I love you, right?" His interlude didn't stop her prelude because there was no aural answer. A slight hint of desperation in his tone generally annoyed her. It was the tone she had heard time and again, of a man finding his way back in when common sense told her to put him out. The mental list of names scrolled down reminding her of her poor judgement and repeated stupidity.

"Why wouldn't I?" She answered. Her hand held his face and her thumb ran across his bottom lip, not allowing him to reply. "When we make love, I know you belong inside me because it feels like home. You can't fake that; that's how I know. Besides; you're a terrible liar."

Though she was sound of body and mind, Jess still questioned what she was doing. She had booked a hotel room in case everything went south but Jack picked them up from the airport as though what they were doing was normal. She fidgeted with her fingers in the car while Michelina slept soundly as though she knew what a nightmare she was on the flight and decided to cut her mother a break.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, manoeuvring his way through the sea of yellow taxi cabs.

"No. Yes. A little." She exhaled. "I'm starving actually."

"Say no more; if that's not too difficult." The smirk on his face irked and relaxed her at the same time. "So, since you feel so talkative and open; how's Ronny?"

"It's Colin! How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"I only do it for that." He pointed his head towards the mirror where she saw her facial expression.

"Where are we going for dinner?"

"Casa Jack."

"Miser."

"I meant Chez Jacques. You should meet the owner. Maybe he could put a smile on your face."

"As I remember that's how all the trouble started."

"Touché, I promise to behave and keep my hands under, sorry _on_, the table at all times."

"Whatever." She said even though the left side of her face was forced to smile.

"Where'd you think you're going?" Antonio asked as Nicole tried on a few pairs of earrings.

"Nowhere fast." Her shoulders dropped as she exhaled, pulling the tail of the red satin gown further to the floor. It lagged behind her as she walked which was the only reason she bought it; it made her feel like a queen, a queen of her own kingdom, no-one else's'. "I don't want you to be perfect Antonio. I want you to be real. It's not about cheating or temptation or even wish-fulfilment. It's about your admitting that you're human and I'm not the only one with or at fault here."

"I want you to love the best of me."

"I can't. I fell in love with the geek who says trichloromethane instead of chloroform, who makes these really weird jokes that no-one really gets and who doesn't have to try…ever. That's who I want; I don't know what else to say."

He put his arm around her. "You could tell me what you did to Raquel."

Jess woke up to the sounds of her demanding daughter being subdued. She knew at home she would have been up already, finding things to do but for that moment she laid still and sunk further into the creases of the couch. It took Jack a long time to realise she was only pretending to sleep and to admit defeat to a six-month-old who was wearing him out.

"Give her to me."

He conceded. "So, how does Sweet Home Indiana find the Big Apple?"

"Your head was blocking my view. It's nice though, especially from where I'm standing."

"If you feel like a change, there's more than enough room here."

"I know."

"There's a huge private garden downstairs so it's not like she'd be living in a complete concrete jungle or anything."

"I know Jack."

"What's stopping you? You don't even love this guy; he's just in the way."

"Don't tell me what to think and that _guy_ is still her father."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"I'm tired of making decisions at your whim or his. I don't want to move here just because you asked me; _I _want to choose. So I'm not moving my baby away from everyone she knows because they'll always be there even if you're not. More importantly; I don't want her to hate me for not even trying, for ruining her childhood, for leaving him."

"I'm ready to start over, to make it work for all of us."

"You don't have to make that commitment."

"Everything tells me to. I'll always be here for you Jess; I've never shut you out. I'm in love with you."


	14. What a difference a day makes…

_Manhattan__, NY_

"…And that spare room could make a nursery, without the clutter it's bigger than you think…" Jack rambled on, repeating everything he had told her in the previous few days for emphasis. Jess knew it was a verbal reaction to their leaving and as she packed the third bag she stopped him.

"Can we talk about something else, _please_?"

"Sure. Do you…still have visions?"

"Sometimes. They're not as vivid though. I always had this fear that I would drop her out of shock so I guess I've contained them in a way."

"When are you going back to the Bureau?"

"When I feel secure enough to leave her in someone else's care. Can you pass me that?" She asked in reference to the blue stuffed bunny on his couch. She folded the last blanket and sat down beside him. "Jack, by coming here I didn't mean to invite you into my mess. I think it's sweet that you want to be a part of our lives but you don't owe me anything."

"If you're saying I feel obligated then you're wrong."

"Don't take pity on my situation and decide to be the fixer. Be with me because I make you whole."

"Have you seen yourself with her? If I learnt how to raise her from you, nothing could stop us. I don't understand why you find it easy to say yes to him if it makes you unhappy, when I'm here..."

"So you're the perfect alternative?"

"Almost-perfect, yes. I asked if he knows what he's got and you couldn't answer me with resolve back then. Now you can't even keep your face straight."

"I didn't come to hear so much sense you know." Her smile was awkward from his effect. Her knee knocked against his in a congenial way and stayed there. She could sense his watching her; his pretentious 'I know you want me' stare was well-rehearsed in the mirror.

"So, when should I call the movers'?"

"You never run out of lines, do you Burgess?"

"Who needs words when you're almost-perfect?" For the sake of dominance, Jess gained ownership of the kiss. It was a kiss of the years, laughs and witty retorts they shared, laid against a different backdrop. Time had changed many times but gave mercy to their belonging on the same page; fitting together like lyrics to music. In that moment there was no denying it and she didn't need Nicole to point out the obvious, she needed him; to be true to herself and, to live the life she always deserved no matter the timing.

"Stay another day or as long as you want." He said, knowing she had stirred his feelings to a point where he wasn't in control anymore.

"I can't." Jess didn't say much more until she had checked-in. Michelina was clutching the blue bunny's ear between her new teeth. Jess hugged him with her free arm and whispered, "If anyone's moving, it's you." She made it a few steps away before telling him, "I love you." The hotness of her face and the quickness of her feet didn't let him reply.

_Washington__, D.C._

"What've we got?" Antonio asked, swivelling round in his chair to face her.

"Mora and Jonathan Pierre of Wildercroft, Maryland, reported their nine-year-old son Jamie missing last night. Maryland P.D. redirected them here. It's a classic scenario, Dad drops off kid at Cub Scouts at five, Mom returns and he's nowhere to be seen at seven-thirty."

"There are three nearby parks he could've gotten lost in; New Carrollton, Greenbelt and Martins Woods."

"Local P.D. couldn't spare that many cops because of the music festival at Greenbelt Park last night."

"I'll run the Polygraph test then."

"They requested it first thing this morning and both came up clean."

Antonio flipped a coin. "Heads for Kids, tails for Cub Scout workers."

"Tails, I missed my kickboxing class this week."

"Sorry, looks like you're babysitting. I know it's a bad time…"

"_Don't_ bring up the book."

"I told you everything that happened."

"Eventually."

"You still haven't told me what you did to Raquel."

"Who knows? Maybe it'll make the final edit."

Jess didn't expect to find Colin waiting for her at home and his violent treatment of the remote control revealed he was on edge. She felt anxious like she was no longer her confident self, just someone so unsure she didn't know how to greet him.

"I called you over and over again." He said, making her eyes dart to the answer machine.

"I didn't know." She dropped the bags in the living room and carried the baby to the kitchen.

"So where'd you go?"

"We need to talk, not to fight; right now I don't have the energy to do either." She put a bottle in the warmer and put Michelina in her cot. He followed them in, wanting more of a response from her.

"Why Jess?"

"Shh she's sleeping." Turning on the electric mobile that rotated above the cot, she realised how it had become their home, not his.

"Why?" His one-word question went unanswered not because she was ignoring him but because there was so much he could've been referring to.

"You heard the messages, didn't you?" She closed the nursery door behind her.

"We were supposed to get married, build a home."

"You weren't here." She said guiltily, knowing that was as much her fault as it was his. "I panicked. I thought it would be better for her in the long run for us to be together."

His back leaned against the wall in the corridor. "It is."

"No. I don't have to be your wife for you to be her father; she's forever yours, we should have known."

"I want you."

"It's not the wanting or the getting that matters, it's the keeping that counts."

"Jess. Don't do this."

Antonio threw the last of the Chinese food away seconds before Nicole came into his office. "Did you find anything?" He asked.

"Besides the reason why some women get their tubes tied, no. Jamie's parents sent him to Cub Scouts to become more social but the majority of these kids hate him and the rest ignore him completely."

"So why didn't he quit?"

"He befriended a high school volunteer so Cub Scouts turned into the big brother program."

"You tracked him right?"

"Yeah; he was visiting Browne on a school trip. I don't suppose you saved me a spring roll or two."

"Sorry. The workers checked out by the way, so there are no leads on my side of things."

"I guess it's time to sweep the park then."

"The newest Quantico exports are on it."

"Oh." She said, not at all thrilled with having to sit on her hands for the next few hours.

"We could always go out somewhere and start again in the morning. Do you remember that club, Tailwind?"

"Vaguely."

"I promise tonight will be more memorable."

It was moments like that, when Michelina was screaming her head off and Colin's presence was a reality that she couldn't stand her life. "You can't hold her like that after a feed."

"Why not?"

"It makes her cry; as you're demonstrating right now." She chopped the onions with contempt.

"How do I make her stop?"

"Turn on the garbage disposal _that_ usually works. She also likes the sound of the fan oven but not the heat."

"What if that doesn't work?"

"Lull her or let her cry."

"What happened to the Sports Unlimited channel?"

"We don't watch that much TV together; she likes to have all my attention."

"Your system really works for you."

"I do what I can to make it easier."

"Where do I fit in?"

"I really don't know."

"How much does he have to do with all the changes?"

"Nothing's changed."

"You have."

"That's not true. I was never that woman I became when she was born. I thought that was who I was supposed to be. That's the thing about babies; they'll love you unconditionally no matter what."

Nicole resisted the urge to take off her shoes and walk down the cool pavement barefoot. The balls of her feet burned after dancing all night, song after song, a new pressure point was found. Van Hunt's "Her December" was still ringing in her ears.

"Should I carry you?" Antonio asked.

"The last time you said that I broke the heel it took you five years to return so no, I'd rather walk."

"It wasn't all bad. In fact it saved our lives. Marks was on the dance floor..."

"Landon was at the bar with his henchmen trying to get in, so the front exit was blocked."  
"You said your dress was too expensive for you to climb out of the bathroom window in it."

"It _was_, I wasn't about to mess up the look because our meet went horribly wrong."

"So we took the external fire escape, forgetting we were on the seventh floor."

"You were pulling me down."

"I was holding your hand…while running then you wailed, I though you were hurt."

"I _was_, my ankle damn near snapped in those heels. You weren't even sympathetic."

"You should have taken them off before…like now. I know they're killing you."

Nicole gave in, leaned against a lamppost and took her surrogate children off. He took advantage of her vulnerable situation knowing it would hurt too much for her to walk away and avoid his question this time. "Do you care about whatever she wrote?"

"Should I? I mean, is it worth knowing at all if it won't get us anywhere?"

"I don't think so. Please, don't read it."

"Was tonight about her?"

"Of course not."

"Well then, let's have our night and deal with the rest later."

For something that hurt him so much, Colin wasn't short of questions about Jack, New York and the effects on their future.

"What if you marry him? How are going to raise her? What will you tell her about me? When will I get to see her?"

"I haven't thought it all through. I'd never keep her from you or you from her if that's what you're thinking. Our relationship has nothing to do with Jack. We made a mistake thinking that having a baby would bind us. What's best for you and me doesn't matter when she needs us to make things a lot clearer."

"What do you mean?"

"I want you around for her but I knew that your job is who you are and I couldn't take that away from you. If you must know, I do love Jack, and right now I'm trying to strike a balance."

"You got rid of his baby. You carried mine. Why are you punishing me for that?"

"I'm not."

"You're selfish Jess; just because he wants this one, you say he can have her."

"I'm not taking her away from you."

"No, you're giving up on us and that's worse. Have you ever thought he still feels guilty?"

"Yes I have. He wouldn't be the first man in my life to have a hold on me would he?"

"You're here because it's what you want."

"No it's not. If having a child with you isn't enough to make me commit to you, to stop me from wanting to see him, then nothing will because this house, this life, this arrangement isn't enough to make me stop loving him."


	15. Giving up is hard to do

Any typos will be corected soon, this just came to me. From your tired but loyal writer, thank you all so much for the support.

Shout outs to A(lison) Blindlovefreespirit Endlessdreamer1024 Shesheismycat Ditte3 Addisonkarev Story101 and **everyone** who reads, PMs, checks out from time to time, reviews, enjoys and most importantly feels in response to what/who I write.

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"_The latest instalment from forensic expert Dr. Raquel Marquez is flying off the shelves; combining the research of a civil servant and the knowledge of the male psyche, this trailblazer created the runaway hit book, '10 definitive reasons why men cheat'_" Nicole flicked to another channel. "_What a friend we have in Je…_" She channel hopped again when she saw the toll-free number for anointing oil. "_Today the weather will be…_" She turned the TV off, amazed how one thing could consume her Sunday morning. She was in the mood to bury her head in his chest and pretend that she lived in a harmless world but he was still recovering from the night before. She made love to him with the fervour of a woman possessed but for a reason that was as clear as day, she still felt lonely.

"Come back to bed." He grumbled in a whisper that sounded as though it crawled up his throat.

"I don't think I can. I just…I don't know." It was then that out of impulse, desperation or both she found herself in this suffocating embrace with no idea of how she came to be there. All she knew was, even if he was the pain and the remedy at once, she needed him to the point where she'd rather die than let go. In the surge of vulnerability he wouldn't let her pull away as if holding her tighter was the answer. Her eyes stung with the onset of salty tears that came from the pit of her stomach.

Breakfast?" Colin asked as Jess slotted one earphone in her ear and slipped the clip of her pager onto her sweatpants.

"No thanks. I was thinking; since you're here I can finally hit the park like I'm supposed to."

"You're in good shape." His staring suggested he wasn't lying.

"It's not FBI shape though, is it? If I start training now, it'll be easier to make the transition. Do you mind…?"

"…the part about you going back to work?"

"No, taking care of her while I'm gone."

"Why should I? She is my daughter after all."

"Remember, don't overfeed her just because there's still milk in the bottle, don't be impatient and never…"

"Feed her anything with sesame seeds in it. Your pager numbers carved into the fridge. I get it. Go."

She left without saying goodbye, she didn't know how to say that either.

Nicole ordered more icy water after their run and let the endorphins run through her body as Jess filled her in.

"I'm impressed." Jess wondered why Nicole had taken to listening to the whole thing without saying anything but a few occasional words. She didn't know it was out of habit of listening to her mother go on about her current boytoy.

"…That I could keep up?"

"No," She lied because she knew it would hurt Jess' feelings to know she wasn't pushing her the way she would've at work. "I'm impressed that you told him…that hardly makes for a good atmosphere on the home front."

"It's…something. I think he's waiting for us to get back together or something and that's not going to happen. I didn't plan to do this on my own."

"No woman does, sometimes it just happens. You've got to work it out between you so she doesn't lose out,"

"You seemed…eerily collected." Jess commented, knowing Nicole was always up to or hiding something.

"It's my new mantra; I will not read that book, ohmmm…if I do, I'll end up in jail ohmmm…"

_Two weeks later._

Jess' hand felt around for the alarm clock whose ring was unusually overdue. The sheets on the other side of the bed were creased so she knew she didn't sleep alone. The night before she argued with Colin over his resistance to move out and let her live her own life. It the meantime he had been overcompensating by trying to convince her they could make it work. She had tried to tell him that making it work wasn't the issue but he had no desire to listen. The demotion from prospective husband to just Michelina's father was something he wasn't ready to accept yet and his prototypical jilted lover behaviour suggested he never would. Without going into the nursery to find the layers of blankets pulled back, she knew the silence from the baby monitor was deliberate.

The doorbell rang. "I didn't hear it if you didn't." Antonio recited straight out of a teenage boy's phrasebook.

"I didn't hear a thing." She replied, kicking away some of the pillows on the edge of the bed. "How did your parents survive this long?"

"They realised a long time ago, now matter how miserable, annoying, stressful and hard it was; they weren't going anywhere…ever. Why?"

"It's their anniversary."

"Shit."

"You forgot?"

"No, I never remember; that's the difference. It's their forty-third, right?"

"Forty_-second_."

"Luckily I have you. What did we send them?"

"Plane tickets to Monte Carlo."

The doorbell rang again. "You're a life saver." He kissed her. "I'll get it."

"No, don't. You looked like you were about to say something."

"Why haven't you read the book? It's practically everywhere."  
"There's nothing I want to know that your actions can't tell me. Why? Do you want me to?"

"I want you to trust me and I know you do, it's just been different between us."

"Things have to change or they stagnate, I never want that to happen to us."

The doorbell rang yet again, this time with impatience. "Neither do I. I'd better answer that."

The bags of groceries on the table, along with his carefree attitude, did nothing to improve Jess' mood.

"Breakfast?" He asked, in a tone whose attempts to restore normality and calm were unsuccessful.

"Colin, this isn't working."

"No pancakes for you then." He said flippantly.

"I'm serious. You have to stop."

"What have I done wrong?"

"You're still here."  
"You said you wanted me to be around for her. That's exactly what I've done."

"Is this how you want to live?"

"This _arrangement_, as you put it, is what's best for her."

"You mean best for you. I get it; you feel uprooted and I'm sorry but I can't be your mother, I can't be your security."

"Is he moving in?"

"I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"Just answer the question."

"I have no idea."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Leave me alone, stop to trying to control me and make things the way they used to be. I don't understand half of what I feel Colin; it's complicated, it's confusing but it feels right. I want you to put her first and stop thinking of me, she needs you." 

Antonio tore away at the cardboard that enveloped the package. A conservative yet inviting portrait to Raquel stood next to the title of her book. He flicked over to the contents page, searching frantically for his name. Unsatisfied but relieved, he wondered where he could put it before he decided what to do with it. He heard the courier driving off and her bare feet slapping against the wooden stairs.

When Colin returned, Jess tried to make some kind of peace with him. "What do _you_ want?" She asked, surrounded by any toy that rattled, lit up or rang.

"I want you to be in love with me, for us to be a family. I want to come back to you and know that you're waiting and to know we want the same things."

"We should…want the same things; to be good parents, to put her first and for all of us to be happy."

"That's all I want."

"I'm not in love with you. I want all those things, I swear, but I don't want to be your wife."

Nicole took another handful of popcorn and tried to focus on the film despite Antonio's wandering hand underneath the blanket. "That tickles…I want to see how this ends."

"What's to see? He hurt her, she's crying in the rain, she'll forgive him and they'll get back together; the end."

"You don't know that. She could stab him any minute and I don't want to miss it."

"Have you given any thought to Big Bear?"

"I don't ski, I don't snowboard."

"Come on,"

"You know me; I like it hot."

"We should try new things together."

She stared at him boldly, "I thought that was our speciality."

He laughed. "I'll shut up now."

"I'll think about it." She mumbled reluctantly.

"Jess," He said, pulling her out of her daydream. "My boss called. If I'm going back I have to leave tomorrow."

"Are you?"

"Should I?"

"It's not my decision to make."

"Why did you keep her?"

"I couldn't do that to you or me, and I'd do it again if I had to."

"Tell me to stay and I will."

"I can't."

"What happens if I stay?"

"We raise her together and make the best of it."

"I want _us_."

"Do you want _her_?"

"You'd never give her up."

"I meant without me. She's not an accessory I come along with, that's what you have to understand."

"She's my daughter, of course she means a lot to me. You don't even realise what you're doing to her; raising her like you don't need me, introducing her to another man, acting like it's okay to destroy her family just as long as you get what you want in the end. It's easy for you Jess; you grew up in your sheltered, nuclear family, safe from harm yet you don't even want the same for your own daughter. You can't press reset just because you think what we had was a mistake. She's my daughter too and I'm not going to make it easy for you to toy around with me and discard me after you went behind my back."

"I love him."

"For now. I've caught hell from you since I've been back for the one thing you encouraged me to do and I admit it was wrong; I shouldn't have been anywhere but here with you. In all that time, you never called me or tried to reach me when the only one stopping you was you. Why?"

"I felt alone."

"I apologise. I love you and I don't care about anything else than being here with you, _both_ of you."

Nicole threw pair of gym shoes into the bag just in case their road trip led them to the countryside. "Not even one clue?"

"No. It's called spontaneity for a reason."

"Are you sure that car can handle long distances?"

"Sure it can. They're called muscle cars for a reason. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I don't know. Things _are_ changing between us."

"You said it was a good thing this morning."  
"I did. I want to know that it's for the right reasons."

"Do you love me?"

"Too much."

"Then we'll work the rest out later."

On her last dart back inside the house, this time for a blanket, she stumbled across the book which was the only out-of-place object in a room she was too familiar with. She wrapped it in the blanket that served as an accent to the couch and bundled it in the trunk of the car, only to start reading it religiously after he fell asleep under the stars. Every slight movement he made jolted her and interrupted her focus but by sunrise, with no sleep whatsoever, she was presented with answers to questions she hadn't even thought about yet. It was that knowledge, coupled with her suspicion and aggrandised by her sleep-deprived irrationality that sent her mind rife with possibilities of actions that could only be justified by and attributed to being her mother's daughter.


	16. When the party’s over…

Any typos will be corrected soon, this just came to me. From your tired but loyal writer, thank you all so much for the support especially since exams are coming and I'm under pressure like the song says. I decided to write this bcause I needed a departure from the realm of academia and here it is. FYI some chapters ago Nicole bought Antonio a Dodge convertible (an old muscle car) and Kelly has moved to D.C. like she intended earlier on in this 'fic. Also, Lionel (Fisher) us, if you remember, Ethan (Colton)'s biological father as Benny (Mitchell) was cuckolded. I dedicate this chapter to BlindLovefreeSpirit for the ridiculously brilliant 'fic and Ditte3 beause your reviews really strike me. Love to one and all. x

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Nicole didn't know how the crowbar found its way into her hands until it did. Just as she didn't know how the first, second and third dents found their way into the bonnet of his Dodge until they were staring back at her. She raised her arms once more in an arc above her head, determined to make him hurt like she was hurting and purge this cocktail of jealousy and anger from her until a strange, almost divine call stopped her.

"Nikki!" Kelly dropped her bags. Nicole guiltily lowered the tool and made eye contact with every part of her body but her face.

"I always said you were cute enough for short hair. It suits you."

"What in the hell have you done?" Kelly exclaimed in a strange role reversal. "This was a _gift_, are you crazy?"

"Yes!"

Kelly shook off the shock and remembered some of Nicole's past mistakes. She knew better than anyone how much Nicole's emotions drove her actions even when they were wrong. "Do you really like my hair?"

She dropped the crowbar. "I love it. You look great." She put her arm around her and walked her out of the garage that had just bared witness to something she couldn't take back.

"What did he do?" Kelly said in an exhausted tone of voice that parodied Nicole's.

"Nothing." Nicole reverted back to her teenage answer for everything. "What are you doing here?"

"I just signed for the house in Hawthorne, finally I can get Ethan out of that cramped apartment."

"That calls for wine."

"Well…before you say anything else; Lionel bought it."

"If that's what you want…"

"It's in _my_ name. Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm using my son as a meal ticket because I'm not. When in my life will I ever live in a place as nice as that? Weren't you the one who always said I deserved that?"

"Yes. I was." She gritted through her teeth. "Before I pop the cork, are you sleeping with him?"

"No."

"Then I'm happy for you. '02 or '05?"

"It all tastes the same after a bottle or two, right?"

"Right."

"Nikki?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't cave in his car out of your jealous rage, did you?"

"Of course not."

"Whatever. I thought I was the crazy one."

Colin boxed up the last of his things and left the life he thought he had subscribed to for a lifetime behind. "I should be back on the fourth, I'll take all my stuff then…unless you want me to put it in storage."

"Here is fine." She said; eager for him not to think she was pushing him out.

"If I can get back any time sooner I'll let you know."

"Sure. She'll be waiting." She hoped that the 'she' sounded obscure enough to be mistaken for 'we' but he heard her loud and clear. He waited for her to ask him to stay but she never did.

"Do you know why they never let you take your own clothes to a deep cover op?"

"No."

"It's called deindividuation. You lose your sense of identity to assimilate quickly, to get the job done. When it's over; you look for pieces of yourself just to know you're not a nomad; that you have a place in the world where you belong."

"We're all searching for that place."

"I stopped when I thought I'd found it."

"I've never lied to you."

"Maybe you should've." He walked past the duffel bag on the floor and went into the nursery. She felt a strange numbness where her feelings about his leaving should have been. There was no jubilance or heartbreak; just questions without answers. When he reappeared he was in the process of trying to forget her and remember what he had dedicated his life to. "Bye Jess."

Her response was trapped in her throat and it felt she couldn't breathe until he was gone.

Kelly lifted the other side of the red car cover. "I hope this works."

"Darren is the best mechanic I know, he can restore it and Antonio will never know the difference."

"Why don't you just tell him?"

"It's too early for him to discover that this is what I'm capable of. Besides next to the Barracuda, this is his most prized possession."

"So why did you go 'Waiting to exhale' on it?"

"You know why."

"Ask him."

"Impossible."

"If he slept with her would you stay?"

"Don't start."

"You would! Hypocrite."

"I am not a hypocrite! Now are you here to give commentary or help me hide this mess from him?"

"This is your mess."

"For once."

"Heifer."

Nicole's explicit response was thwarted by the ardent ringing of the doorbell. She breathed a sigh of relief. "That's not him. He has a key."

Jess' subsequent entrance led to her collusion. "This is a classic car; you have to call a specialist."

"Like who?" Nicole was growing more apprehensive by the minute.

"A car club like the D.C. Dodge Lovers or the Maryland Mopar Association."

"I'm looking for a _quick_ solution."

"You could always tell him the truth." Jess suggested.

"That's what _I_ said." Kelly chipped in, finding the situation increasingly amusing.

"You said you want him to be genuine and that means loving his faults too, so why can't _you_ say you had a fit of irrationality and now it's out of your system."

"There are worse problems to have Nikki. You can't even register the idea of him cheating, which tells me you wouldn't believe it even if it was true and the only reason you did this is because you needed to get back at her. Admit that, tell him, and move on."

If there was ever a time to admit they were right, this was the most unlikely yet fitting of times for her to actually do it. "Since when did you have so much sense?" Her question was directed at both of them.

_Months later_.

On her first day back Jess found that the office looked the same bar a few missing faces and few new ones. It smelt the same too; sterile and hypoallergenic. Nicole and Antonio were sparring for dominance in his office as they thought no-one was looking.

"Am I interrupting something? Jess asked.  
Antonio's imminent stammering and denial were obstructed by Nicole's bold, "Yes, and you know it too."

"Been to any cars shows lately?" Jess retaliated, taking her seat in the swivel chair.

"He knows Jess." Nicole stuck her tongue out from behind his back.

"You're still standing?" Jess asked Antonio whose frown lines had reappeared.

"At least it wasn't the Barracuda." He said for the umpteenth time as a relaxing mantra. "At least a car can be fixed."

"In comparison to what?" Jess asked with her trademark naïveté.

Pollock answered for them. "In comparison to my winning the office pool, come along _pequeñitos_, we have customers."

"You never said there was an office pool about us." Nicole remarked after the briefing.

"I didn't know they were still running it." Jess replied, switching files with her.

"Did _you_ bet on us?"

"That's confidential. How did _you_ get away with it?"

"That's classified. When is Jack getting a key seeing as he's so popular around your way?"

"I'll answer after you do."

"Fine, I told him like any woman would; when he was so high he didn't register what I was saying. The point is; we're back to whatever passes for normal and I've given up vandalism for life."

"Okay, I may have possibly placed a bet on a whim and as for Jack; we're taking it as it comes."

"So you're shopping for better offers?"

"No. I'm not forcing a commitment neither of us can uphold. Colin's coming back this weekend for her birthday and who knows what he'll say, besides that 'we can make it work' speech."

"Is Jack invited to the party?"

"He bought her a pony, I couldn't say no. A _wooden _one." She emphasised to eradicate Nicole's bemused expression; it didn't work. "What?"

"You're asking for trouble Jess. How would you feel if Colin brought another woman with him? Don't answer that. When you accept gifts from Jack that tells him you want him in your lives so if you don't; you better make sure your words and actions are congruent."

"I know what I'm doing."

"Fine. Back to the case…"

Days later.

"Don't you just hate it when she's right?" Kelly asked, topping up her coke with Rum. "I mean, so what if I'm sleeping with Lionel? That's my decision."

"You said you weren't." Jess replied, sipping her identical drink.

"I'm not, I meant if I was. Look at them," Kelly referred to Jack and Colin who were keeping a comfortable distance in the living room where all the babies were. "No-one's fighting…yet. Lina's happy and…" Colin's entrance cut her off and she left them alone.

"She's getting so big." He said in a strange proximity that gave his words a fanning effect on her face.

"Yeah. Drew called."

"I asked him to."

"Oh."

"I've been offered something…permanent." She recognised his struggle to say the last word as though it was a punishment to conceive being in one place forever.

"That's…great?" She asked for validation.

"It could be. I really believe that we can make it work, but it takes both of us for that to happen."

"I didn't fall in love with you while you were away Colin."

"I know, I just thought her first birthday would be put things in perspective."

"What things?"

"Us. Do you think it's fair on her?"

"Don't do this today; I have to go back in there."

"Before you do, I've been talking to a …"

Kelly poked her head though the kitchen door. "Jess, we need you."

"I've got to go. Are you coming?"

He took an envelope from his jacket pocket and asked her to open it later and she did, much later when the house was empty, the birthday cake was scraped from the ceiling and her guests were gone. The rustle of the paper made an echo as loud as her bare feet slapped against the cool tiles in the kitchen. He wanted custody and she was enraged.


	17. Joy Ride

I dedicate this loved (by me and hopefully by you too) chapter to my girl Sinéad for being the most amazing person and giving me the freedom to be myself. Dear, dear friend, we will be friends when we're grandparents and beyond.

I've had a bit of internal trouble lately so I deliver this chapter to you all with pride and happiness and this heatwave kicks ass (short skirt and kitten heel season). Thank you so much for reading etc and enjoy.

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"Jess…calm down." Nicole whispered, trying not to wake Antonio despite Jess's rushed account of what had happened, the following morning.

"Calm down?" Jess did everything not to let the chain of expletives that circled in her mind come out of her mouth. "He's punishing me, can't you see that? He's punishing me because I don't love him anymore. Did I ever say he couldn't see her? Why would he do this to me?"

"He's hurt."

"No. He's hurting _me_."

"Give him a few days to cool off, he's emotional right now and he's not thinking straight. As for you, you have to keep your cool."

"She's my daughter Nic. My. Daughter."

"I know. Have you told Jack?"

"No, I was going to call home."

"Don't. You need rational advice, talk to someone."

Jess ignored the hint. "Nic, what if he…?"

"Don't think like that. Be smart when he comes over especially if that means saying next to nothing."

His hands ran up her back, under her baby blue lace flyaway babydoll and they were cold. "That tickles." She told him, hiding the phone the only way she knew how; by hanging up.

"I know; that's why I do it." She brushed the front of his hair back.

"You're taking advantage."

"That's not always a bad thing." She giggled in response. "I think there are better ways to spend a Sunday than on the phone."

"Jess is having a crisis."

"What about Nicole? Don't you need to be taken care of? Look, you can call her back and solve someone else's problems or you can…."  
"Shh. I want the other thing, whatever that is."

"That's means just the two of us in this bed unless you're feeling adventurous."

"I'll never be that crazy."

"You once said after enough Tequila you were easier that first-grade math."

"FYI I've never drunk that much Tequila." _Well, maybe once,_ she thought as he spooned her.

Jess looked down at Michelina's bright eyes and picked her out of the cot. "Morning, birthday girl, well, belated birthday girl.

"Mama."

"I don't know why I expect you to talk back or to have all the answers." She reached in and picked her up. "Those green eyes are a weapon you know. They caught me out on so many lies. Joe's eyes…no wonder you don't talk back with me going on all the time." She screened the incoming call in the kitchen and tried not to answer it.

"It's not like you to avoid my calls." Jack said, after the beep. "Come one Jess, pick up." "I should rest; work is taking a lot out of me right now." She said, automatically providing an excuse.

"Or someone went to work on you."

"Jack," She said as a warning.

"I didn't ask for an explanation; I thought we were _way_ above you telling me things under duress. Do you need help?"

"No, I need breathing space."

"Then I'm coming over ASAP because you don't sound too good."

"No Jack you've done enough…" She tried to say but he had long since hung up.

Xscape's Your Eyes was playing from every corner of their bedroom. "What was that song they played at our wedding that had you in tears?" He asked.

"Natural high by Bloodstone."

"That was fitting."

"You still think you don't know me?"

"No, the thrill me with your charms part. So why did you cry?"

"I didn't cry; I teared up, _because_ it used to play on the radio when I little."

"When he was still alive?"  
She nodded. "_Trying to make something out of a nothing romance_; I can't count how many times I've done that even when I knew better. I felt so sad because if I had met you any other way, I'd have written you off before anything even started."

"I didn't know _that_."

"It doesn't matter; you know what my heart says, you know where I've been and you know there's no-one who could ever mean as much to me as you do."

"That's good to know."

"Because?"

"Let's play the 'Where Would You Be?' game." She threw her hands up, surrendering. "Okay, where would you be if you had kids?"

"Still in Chicago."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely. I'd probably have about three now, maybe ten."

"Ten?"  
"_Ten kids by ten different fathers_, foster girls are sluts; that's what they say. Where would you be if you never joined the Bureau?"

"Married with four kids…and a dog. Where would you be if you got married straight out of college?"

"On the arm of some fat greasy businessman, being cheated on with a younger model, knocking back the Martinis as I tell the kids why he's not coming home tonight."  
"That's bleak."

"Bleak is being _alone_ and knowing he's not coming home, or maybe knowing he is and wishing he wouldn't. Anyway, where would you be if you never dated outside your race?"

"Single."

"I'm serious."  
"I don't know…bored probably because whatever I was looking for; I couldn't have found it."

"It this the point where you go all Boyz II Men on me and tell me I'm everything you were looking for?"

"No because honestly; you're everything I _wasn't_ looking for…"  
"That's charming."

"…Everything I couldn't conceive would have me so strung out and satisfied at the same time. I mean it."

"You better."

"How about you?"

"I'd be in the 42.4 with a lot of my girlfriends and sorors, I suppose. Maybe I'd want to be. I think that's enough for today." She was silent for a while, resting her head on his chest.

To her misfortune Colin brought Michelina home while Jack was still visiting. She usually tried to keep them apart as being happy with Jack in front of Colin made her feel she was twisting the knife. "You did it on purpose." He said while they were alone in the kitchen.

"I didn't ask him to come but what do you know? He's there for me."

"I offered you everything."

"You dictated it to me with a guilt clause attached and because I won't yield you're threatening me."

"Stop playing the innocent, you used me and now you've moved onto something else that's convenient."

"That's rich. All you care about is _your_ feelings; you don't care about how your actions affect anyone else until _your feelings_ are at stake. You'd rather hurt everyone else including me, even Michelina."

"That's not true."

"You can leave now."

Halfway through watching _Trois_, Nicole blurted out, "I want to go to Big Bear.

"You hate the snow." He replied with his eyes gripped to the screen.

"I don't care; I want to get away and not have to come back until it's time to."

"What about work? What about your mom, Kelly, Jess, Ethan?"

"I'm tired of worrying; if Kelly's sleeping with Lionel, Jess is in a fix and my mom's frolicking with her junior then there's nothing I can do about it. It's time I learnt that; preferably while locked up in a log cabin with you."

"Okay, so when?"

"While the phone's still unplugged and our cells are off; now."

He pressed pause. "What if we don't come back?"

"I'm willing to take that risk."

"I can't say there aren't things I'd like to do."

"Like writing a book?"

"That was _private_."

"Then don't leave your notes with your porn stash, you know I'm a neat freak."

He thought for a minute, every second keeping her more in suspense. "Why now?"

"I've been at least thirty since I was fifteen; I want to feel free again while we still have the chance."

"I thought you were over it; no-one can take you from me, not Sam Lewis, not Raquel."

"What are you saying?"

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go as long as you're not inspired by fear."

"I'm not. I _want_ you to take me."

Jack lied down beside her; she had retreated to the bedroom like a hermit to a cave, almost forgetting he was still there. "Marry me." He said tentatively, as though to see if she was still awake and listening.

"Not like this." She replied in between sniffles. She sat up to a point where her elbows supported her and looked straight at him. "Marriage doesn't solve all problems."

"I'm talking about love."

"Ask me when I'm sober."

"You _are_ sober."

"Unfortunately. I've had enough power plays for one evening and although it's sweet I…"

He stopped her though with a kiss and assumed a dominant position over her. "Don't think, just do." His hands crept up her thighs.

"I…I can't."

"I can." His words breathed over her with her lips barely touching. "What matters more than today?" He asked, easing himself inside her.

"N-n-nothing. " She stuttered, stroking the back of his neck.

"Why wait for something that's right…here?" She shuddered on the eve of her orgasm. "Why deny it?" He asked as she clenched her eyes shut. "Why deny it?" He whispered once more as she bit into her own lip. "Tell me." She let out a loud, shrill cry unable to withstand the conversation any longer. She pulled away with every hormone in her body screaming for her to do the opposite. She felt foolish and embarrassed as soon as she rolled over more so for ending it than not communicating why. She pulled the corner of the comforter upwards from the floor to conceal her face. His hand found hers and he slipped his fingers between hers, underplaying his advantage with a contrasting gentleness.

"Nikki," Nina's voice rang like that of a child. "I have something to tell you. Nikki?" Her eyes darted to the fridge and the note amongst the pictures of Ethan and Michelina. _We'll be back whenever, x_. She read the note with her right hand shaking with a lack of understanding. The ring on her fourth finger told of an escapade she knew would both thrill and annoy Nicole but she wasn't around to do either and for once in her life, Nina understood how it felt not to hear 'Goodbye'.

Jess woke him in the early hours of the morning, finally ready to say what was on her mind. "I'm afraid."

"Don't be. I've got you."

"Why do you this to me?"

"I'm here to remind you who you are."

"I know who I am."

"I meant who you really are. I'm _here_."

"You belong here. Ask me in the morning."


	18. Nothing is hidden under the sun

"Good morning Beautiful." He was already getting dressed as she tried to wake herself up. The two hours of sleep she eventually got did nothing for her and the urge to pull the covers back was overwhelming. He sat of the edge of the bed and stared at her for a while. His hair was still wet and she watched a drop of water slide down his face.

"About last night…" She started, but her sentence seemed to end there.

"It was great right?" He rubbed her leg but she didn't respond to him in that way.

"We have a lot to discuss."

"Or maybe it's better to say nothing at all."

"Last night you messed with my mind."

"Maybe you see things more clearly than you did before. We can't hide from each other. Say how you feel."

"I…this is hard." She rubbed her nose against her raised knee. "I love you but I'm not ready to get married."

"Is this about Colin?"

"I don't know whether he's calling my bluff or dead serious but one thing remains the same; I have to do what's best for Michelina."

"Do you think you can't do that with me?"

"What if I can't? Then what do I say to her? I can't afford to keep trying."

"Who says you'd have to? I'll drop Michelina at Day-care on my way. We'll talk later?"

She nodded and let him go; still under the influence of the hex he put on her the night before.

"What do you mean you haven't seen her?" Nina exclaimed in Jess' office a week later.

"Pollock got an email saying they were both on leave. That's it."

"That's all?"

"He tried to track them but with their years of experience, they're experts at disappearing off the grid. You got engaged?"

"I wanted to tell her even though it was a spur of the moment thing."

"So is their leaving."

"She loves this job. I don't understand."

"Neither do we."

"You look like you've been through it. Which man is the problem?"

Nina's lack of tact was something she wasn't used to. "Right now, I don't know."  
She took that as an invitation to give advice. "It's better to choose the right man in the wrong situation than the wrong man for the right situation; whatever's wrong love will make it right."

Jess pretended to agree or at least understand. "If I hear anything I'll call you but Pollock's pulling his hair out and…"

"You've got to get back to work, I know."

Nicole locked her legs around him with the cool blue water giving her physical and metaphorical buoyancy. Their bodies were submerged in a lake with their clothes drying out in the sun on nearby rocks.

"Where do you think the deep drop is?" he asked.

"I don't want to find out. Hold up, there." She pointed towards a sign. "It's twenty feet."

"You can swim."

"Antonio I'll,"

"I'm kidding. For someone who's never skinny dipped before, you're not exactly shy are you?"

"I don't need to be….unless someone steals our clothes." They both laughed.

"Will we ever make it to Big Bear?"

"Right after we're done with Water Island. I promise."

"This is the first time I've ever seen you get your hair wet."

"This is the first time you've seen my _hair_."

"That's not true. It was longer last time."

"I went Halle Berry for a few months in Seattle, 2003. Where were you?"

"Divorced in Kansas City."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Don't be. You can't hide what you feel; that's no way to live. Did you think of me?"

"More than I wanted to, but everything has it's time. Phoenix was, and wasn't ours."

"What about now?" He asked, kissing across her collar bone.

"This moment belongs to us."

Stelios Martins bumped into her as she headed for the elevator. "Sorry. I'm looking for Special Agent Mastriani."

"That's me. I was on my way down."

"I couldn't wait any longer. You've got to find my fiancée."

Jess lead him to her office and started taking notes. "Have you got a picture?" He opened his wallet and a roll of at least eighteen pictures in double sided plastic holders fell downwards. "Can I have the most recent?"

"They're being processed now. I can go to Pronto Snaps if you want."

"Never mind; what happened the last time you saw…Mora?" She read her name off the tattoo on his arm.

"I took her out for lunch. She's a fitness instructor at the QuickFit gym in Mount Rainier and after her Abs class; I picked her up."

"Did she seem worried, bothered or scared about anything?"

"No, she's the happiest person I know."

"What did you talk about?"

"Telling her family about us."

"You're engaged but you haven't met them yet?"

"I've met her sister and a few cousins but she was always weary about my meeting her parents. They're estranged."

"Did she say why?"

"She was a cotton ball kid with helicopter parents, she broke free at eighteen and ever since she's been on her own."

"Eight years is a long time to go without seeing her parents, are you sure she's not with them now?"

"Positive. They live in Missouri and she'd have to take time off for that. Her boss didn't know anything either."

"The best thing you can do is go home and wait for her to call. In the meantime I'll follow up on her relatives and see where that gets us."

"Her sister Athena owns the Yacht Hotel in Marshall, Missouri."

"Thank you."

Kelly walked past Ethan's room but stopped when she heard laughter through the crack of the door. As soon as he realised she was there, he made up an excuse and hung up. "Are you sure you don't want to practise?" She asked.

"That's so embarrassing. I'm Tybalt; he's mean. That's it."

"Please, for me." She coaxed her eleven-year-old to no avail. "Fine, I'll just have to wait. Who was that?"

"No-one."

"What's her name?"

"It wasn't a girl."

"It was Amira, wasn't it? She's pretty, you have good taste."

"It wasn't." She sat on the swivel chair at his desk.

"Was it Nicole?" Ethan wanted to put his earphones back in his ears but her expression told him not to dare. He eventually nodded. "Did she tell you why she can't come to your play tonight?" He nodded. "Okay, why?"

"She's away."

"I know that. Where are they?"

"I don't know, can I go now? I'm hungry."

"After you tell me if she's okay."

"She _is_." His phone vibrated with a new text message but he wasn't sophisticated enough to not look guilty. "Read it." She ordered.

"_Break a leg baby; I'm sure you'll do a great job. Kelly, leave that boy alone and give him some privacy._"

"She makes me sick." She said, leaving him alone.

"She's worth twenty-eight million dollars?" Jess asked in shock.

Athena elaborated. "Our parents are Ron and Helena Scheilling of the Schelling flour mills, we grew up in comfort but it was never Mora's scene. She likes the simpler things, the intangible over the tangible. That's why she's in love with Stelios."

"He's the real deal."

"In every way possible. She thought the money would skew his love for her."

"So she hid it?"

"She hasn't touched it. Why else would an heiress live in a crummy apartment? To her; it's a palace because it's all her own."

"Who else knows about the money?"

"Everyone who knew us back then; we were debutantes."

"Do you know anyone with cause to hurt her?"

"Charles Monte was her boyfriend. She was seventeen; he was twenty two and the most sought-after guy in town. Mora didn't want anything to do with him. At senior prom she blew him off for a burger and fries with Kyle Clancy. He used to mow our lawn."

"That must've hurt; to be stood up for a nobody."

"That's not all. Everywhere he goes, Charles has a habit of popping up with extravagant gestures of affection but some things can't be bought…and Mora's one of them. I believe she wanted to tell Stelios about the fortune but I suppose it's not worth the risk. Tell me if you find anything new."

Jess knocked her keys against the door to the ground floor a few times before finding the keyhole. The fatigue of having to lead a case without her team was enough to bring her to her knees. She pushed the door open and couldn't find the nanny anywhere. Adrenaline forced her up the stairs where she found Jack rocking Michelina back and forth in the wooden chair.

"What are you doing here?"

"Katya called; she has to leave at one remember?"

"I was in Missouri and I… thanks."

"Anytime."

Jess heated up some calzone, ignoring the time. "You never asked me in the morning."

"It didn't feel right."

"Whenever you do; ask me for _me_."

"I ask you everyday Jess; why else would I be so giving of myself? It's the same love everywhere we go, every time we meet, regardless of what changes. It's that simple. Don't think, just do."

"I'm a mom; I can't afford to just _do_."

"Do you believe that I love her?" She nodded. "Alright. I have to get back to Columbia, next time you work this late call me."

"Okay." He kissed her goodnight and left her mind reeling. She felt around in her bag for the pregnancy test, instantly reminded of their impromptu encounter and the way she took each emergency contraceptive pill with fear. She awoke the next morning to find it was negative and gave a silent thanks to a god she seldom spoke to.

"What. Did. You. See?" Pollock asked in a monosyllabic fashion.

"Mora was scratching her hands against iron, there was blood under her fingertips but I couldn't see her face."

"So it could have been any woman in your vision."

"Technically. Her parents received a ransom last night and also reported her missing. So the kidnapper must be someone who knows about her wealth."

"What about the ex-boyfriends?"

"They're righteous sir. The Scheillings had an accountant who was fired a few years back for theft."

"Money?"

"No, an original Monet. I was about to track them down…"

"Then you had a vision. Any other helpful details?"

"There was an imprint in her left index finger of a gate. I think she's being held in the old converted stables in Luray."

"Near Shenandoah National Park?"

"That's my best guess sir."

"What about Scott and Cortez, do they pop up in your visions?"

"Unfortunately not. Between us; if she hasn't contacted her own mother I doubt she's trying to reach me, even in a supernatural way."

"With that said, get out."

"Sir?"

"Luray, wasn't it?"

_Hours later_.

Jess watched Mora lying in a hospital bed through the glass window in the door. The blotches on her face and dryness of her mouth that conveyed the conditions she was kept under; namely heat and starvation, were gone. Stelios hugged her tightly with gratitude and though unexpected, it wouldn't be the last time some did. "I just knew it would have to take something like this to keep us apart."

"Excuse me?" Jess asked.

"I meant me and Mora, you know…the kidnapping."

"Right. Well, she'll be fine and I'm sure they'll let you see her soon."

"I can wait forever."

"I'll be back to talk to her so try not to ask too many questions."

"We tell each other everything."

Jess smiled at his sweet ignorance. "That's what I hope she'll tell me."

The sounds of car horns and the constant beeping only became clear once Jack finally made it up the traffic jammed street he lived on. The neighbours on his front lawn suggested it was his fault. The driver climbed down to ground level and gave him the keys.

"You have three days."  
"Excuse me?"

"The lady, she paid for three days, keep it any longer and that's my ass. If I lose my job; it's yours. I'll be back tomorrow."

Jack read his prison tats and decided to take him seriously. "You got it." He ignored his neighbours' protest and called her from inside. "The homeowners' association are meeting on my porch Mastriani."

"I thought you might need some encouragement so I asked for the hairiest guy there."

"I don't need convincing. What's wrong?"

"His lawyer called. For a moment I thought he was kidding."

"Don't worry about it."

"I'm trying. In the meantime; get your stuff over here."

"I didn't need a truck to do that. What made you decide?"

"I'm not strong enough to fight what's inside of me."

Kelly ignored another of Lionel's screened calls. Her want to keep the truth from her son was so strong that she underestimated how smart he was. That's why when Ethan asked who Lionel was, after picking up the phone; she gave him an excuse that was too close to the truth for comfort. "He's my…friend."

"So why does he want to talk to me?"


	19. Reunion

_A month later_.

"What do you mean you don't know where they are? You're an Assistant Director of the FBI."

"True." Pollock said, pouring Nina a glass of water. "That, unfortunately, doesn't make me God. I'm not all-seeing. Believe me I've tried."

"Try try again; that's what Nicole would say."

"I know that better than anyone. I have a feeling they don't want to be found."

"I don't understand."

"I know it's surprising but I do have feelings."

"I meant the other part."

"This isn't a missing persons' case. They left of their own volition and we all have to wait it out."

"What if they never come back? I don't think you're fully aware of what that would mean to all of us."

"Especially you. There comes a time when all parents must understand they don't own their children."

"I know that better than anyone."

"Exactly; let them be."

"I know that in your eyes I haven't done anything right since you came back." Jess said, as he leaned back in his seat. She knew coming back to their old favourite restaurant was a bad idea. "I never _meant_ to hurt you and I did, I admit that, but that's no reason to hurt me and our daughter."

"I've never hurt her."

"You intend to. Let's face the facts; she's safest with me, she's well taken care of and you have no right to destroy that just so I can feel your pain. You'd rather ignore my calls to get my attention than pick up and find out how she is, is that what you want?"

"Don't get sanctimonious Jess; you leave her in day-care all day and with a nanny at night. Not to mention; a nanny I've never met. So, for seventeen hours a day you don't know if she's well taken care of because you're not there."

She held back the urge to slap him. "This isn't about me. No, this is about your mother."  
"Don't start."

"Why not? You've become the King of low-blows and I'm supposed to take it?"

"You don't know a thing about my mother."

"I know she was an alcoholic. I know you're ashamed of her. You wanted to marry me without us meeting first? Why else?"

"Shut. Up." He spat the words from with mouth like a venomous ink.

"You hate that I grew up in the suburbs with my nuclear family because you didn't. She was a single mom, like me."

"You don't know what you're talking about. For your sake, shut up."

"The difference is;"

"Jess."

"I'm _raising_ my daughter."

"You think you're better than her?"

"I think you're still angry, still lost and I'm the only one you can inflict that on. Well not anymore."

The way he look at her scared the two of them; he didn't recognise himself in the reflective surface of the napkin dispenser. "You've changed."

"For better or worse."

"You got that right. You're stone cold."

"No. I'm just like you."

"Then I really need to change." He picked up his jacket and got ready to leave. "You'll hear from my lawyer in a few days."  
"I won't let you take her from me just to prove a point."

"You've been making too many decisions Jess and this is what they've done to us."

"So it's my fault?" He turned his back on her and against her wishes and pride she couldn't stop crying once she started, which to her embarrassment was in her car on the long drive home.

Ethan ran his finger along the dust on Nicole's music collection. She hadn't called him in weeks and besides the odd text messages he was as much in the dark as everyone else. Ever since Kelly blasted him on the phone, Lionel hadn't called the house but Ethan was still wondering. Kelly had taken to lying to him, in her reasoning to protect him, but also to avoid his losing respect for her. He was rapidly nearing twelve and she didn't want to speed up his teenage rebellion. He looked at old pictures of the two sisters and always thought Kelly looked puny though he didn't know why. Her sensitivity and what she had been through was always vented though anger and time had made her bitter about discussing those times. All he knew for certain were the things he could see, the presence or absence that made things clear. Everything else was a collective enigma.

Katya threw Michelina in the air one more before handing her over. "You're early. I hope nothing's wrong."

"I paid you time-and-a-half for the extra hours last week."

"Thank you. You've been crying."

"I know. You can go now. In fact; take the rest of the week off."

"How will you manage?"

"I've been doing it this far." Jess broke down again. Katya rubbed her arm but she wasn't the sensitive type.

"Jack called. He has an extra courtside seat for you. Should I stay?"

Jess shook her head. "I'll be fine."

She watched the Wizards vs. the Spurs with no emotional attachment whatsoever. There were a few shots of Jack with his friends from the Baltimore office and she wondered why the pain didn't stop when she followed her heart to be with him. Despite the disastrous results her love life had yielded she still believed in a happily ever after.

Ironically it was Nicole who was living it in a rustic hideaway that was more fitting to someone who collected cowboy boots than Jimmy Choo's. "Are you still awake?" He asked as her head slipped off his shoulder.

"Kind of. What have I missed?" The credits rolled up the fifteen inch TV in their motel room.

"The beginning, middle and end."

"At least I don't snore in my sleep."

"At least I don't _talk_. Besides, actions are better than words."

"You might be right. I love you."

"Is that a challenge?" He kissed her. "I love you more."

"You don't know that. There's a lot of fight in me Cortez and it's not always against you." She exhaled deeply.

"What's wrong? Are you ready to go home?"

"No. I was just appreciating the quiet. Why does everything feel so right when you're holding me?"

"It' supposed to."

"Why can't that feeling stay?"

"Because we live in an imperfect world with no certainties, just moments, and every moment we share completes another part of me."

"You're so beautiful. You've got more lines than a Babyface song but I still believe you."

"I guess that's a good thing. You're not getting mushy on me, are you?"

"Never." She stood up and slipped on her boots. "Let's make some more trouble."

"Things are never boring with you around Scott."

Jess heard the front door shut and assumed it was Jack. It was only when she realised the game only ended ten minutes ago that she became anxious.

"I just want to talk." She dropped the plate she was holding and watched it break into a thousand pieces. The crash unsettled Michelina who was already grumpy from Jess' attempts to keep her awake. She said nothing in return. "No matter what I do, I can't get through to you and it's driving me crazy."

"I can't tell you what you want to hear. Just go."

"I can't leave."

"You have to. I don't like who I am with you. I'm angry, I'm resentful, I doubt myself. Is your want to be with me so strong you'd compromise our happiness together _and _apart? You deserve to be loved but you won't find that in me."

"What do you call what we had?"

"It was meant to happen but wasn't built to last. So what are you fighting for?"

"Where is she?"

_Two weeks later._

"At least someone has a spare key." Nicole threw a blanket over Ethan unaware that he had been using their house as a sanctuary in their absence.

"I'm just glad to be home. It looks the same." He said.

"It does…and it doesn't." He took her hand and squeezed it; just like the day when they did something Nina might not forgive either of them for, and carried their things upstairs.

Ethan woke up to the smell of pizza and the distant sound of Kelly's raised voice.

"Are you finished?" Nicole asked with disinterest, after letting her sound off. "I'm tired and I want some of that Pepperoni Supreme before Antonio takes over."

"How could you do that?"

"Every atom in my body told me to, that's how."

"Oh so now you're Erykah Badu?"

"Be that way. I needed to get away."

"You always have a reason; that doesn't make it right."

"Have you ever been alone with someone? Holding on for life and knowing if you died in that very moment you'd still be complete because they loved you. That's what I needed to feel, to know it was still there."

"Good for you."

"With what you and I have been through it seemed that someone lit a fire under love before it even started and by the time we got to it, it was so charred it was unrecognisable. We needed some time alone to make it pure again; to see it for what it really is."

"So you've _seen_ it?" Kelly said with cynicism.

"It's…almost blinding."

"Well…you look good." Kelly hugged her with one arm and she wasn't entirely happy. "Ethan has school in the morning and my boss is a task master so we should go."

"If that's what you want."

"Why wouldn't it be what I want?" Kelly rambled defensively. "Just because I can't up and leave everyone it doesn't mean I don't know what I want."

"Whatever Kell. When's Ethan's birthday party?"

"Next Saturday."

Kelly stared at her with her old feelings that never died. From a young age she thought they were essentially the same person but Nicole dared to dream of a life beyond the fear, the walls and the role of the anchor. She fought to be free of that responsibility and shown no difficulty in walking away; to her mother, to college, to the FBI, but walking away always produced the same result. Kelly was left alone. The years between had made her bitter and that was detectable in the fake smiles she gave; to Nicole's sorors on her weekends in Champaign, in the few graduation photos from 1992 and worst of all, on their wedding day. If there was one cause of envy that outweighed the others it was Nicole's ability to escape what Kelly was still, in many ways, imprisoned by and as she sat in a room filled with their furniture from Chicago she knew the windows, walls and bricks of the house were ill-gotten but she didn't care; because after all she had endured and all the times she was let down, hurt and cast aside, life had finally come though and given her something she deserved.

Jess looked up at the woman she hadn't seen in months but often thought about. "Who are you and what have you done with Nicole Scott?"

"She needed reprogramming; I'm new and improved." Jess didn't recognise the smile she wore or understand why she seemed to be in a world she was unable to touch. "How's my god-baby?"

"Out of nowhere she started talking and I haven't figured out how to stop her since."

"Wow. You look like you're handling things pretty well."

"I'm glad someone thinks so. I wish I knew I was doing the right things."

"Don't fear the mistakes."

"They won't be my own though."

"Does she look unhappy to you? Just keep her safe and warm and she'll love you all the same."

"What are you doing here?"

"I thought I should declare us _un_missing."  
"Where's Antonio?"

"I can't say but he's not coming back."

"He's leaving? You tried to stop him, right?"

"No. I used to think I wanted him in the Bureau because it was what _he_ wanted when I was clinging to the security of knowing he was safe."

"So when are you coming back?"

Nicole looked at the piles of folders on her desk. "When auditing season is over and I'm ready."

"It sounds like we have a long wait ahead of us." Pollock said, leaning against the office door.

Nicole stood on the porch and watched Ethan's friend try out the skateboard she bought him, relieved that his childhood wasn't already over as theirs were. He walked around the grass, eager not to scuff up his newly customized high-tops.

"I would've hugged you but…you know."

She looked over to his friends and understood. "Yeah I know."

"If I ask you something, promise you won't get mad." She gave him a three-fingered mock salute. "Is that Lionel?" A Black Lincoln that wasn't on the market yet pulled up in front of the house.

She put her hands on his shoulders. "Have you seen that car before?" He nodded. Lionel got out and walked up the pavement that led to the front door. Nicole put one hand on Ethan's chest and held him back. The way she eyeballed him prevented Lionel from saying anything. He knocked on the door even though it was open and called for Kelly. The Maze song in the kitchen was too loud for her to hear and she took more snacks out to the picnic table in the garden.

"_Happy feelin's in the air, touchin' people everywhere…_"

"Ethan, get your friends; I'm sure the food is ready." Nicole advised, watching Lionel walk back to his car.

"What about…?"

"Just go, baby."

By the time he came back to the porch, the front door was shut. His friends obliviously ran through the gate to the backyard and were impressed with all the stops Kelly had pulled out for him. Kelly donned one of her trademark false smiles as she put her arm around him. "Are you happy?"

"Who's that?"

"My friend; he came here to bring your last gift."

"Why?"

"I couldn't pick it up myself because I was so busy making sure everything was perfect for you." She decided to add a grain of truth so she could sleep that night. "If you must know, he takes me out sometimes, but he's not important."

"_I've got myself to remind me of love_…"

"I wanted to know he was okay." Lionel protested.

"No you didn't. You came to clear your conscience because you called at the wrong time, heard his voice and felt guilty."

"He should have the best."

"Men like you put a price on everything especially people. Don't pretend to care when you treat him like a forgotten indiscretion."

"Nikki that's enough. It's my fault; I thought we'd still be paintballing. Lionel and I have an understanding that works for us. You can go now." Nicole took it as a cue to leave. "I didn't mean you. Please don't go."

"You can't share my genuine joy but you expect me to support you in this?"

"I'll leave." Lionel conceded.

"Stay…for Ethan." Kelly pleaded to Nicole and ignored Lionel's existence. "And me."

"_From deep in my soul, I wish you happy feelin's (you and me), from deep in my soul I wish you happy feelin's (I, I, I, I)._"

Nicole squeezed her hand like in the days gone by and was transported to the worst of times that forced them together. Dysfunction was thick glue, violation was tar and the memory was coated in feathers. "Leave her alone." She told Lionel as though he was the bully in the playground and with those fingers intertwined they walked outside; together.


	20. The rings that bind us

Like I said, I post it as soon as I write it. I appreciate everyone who gets something out of this story, whatever it may be. This chapter is conversation-based because I want you to make the judgements of what's going on. Love and respect to all the single mothers who make it happen and again, tthe good men who give us hope you're still out there.

Enjoy R&R PM if you will

- Unbridled "I'm getting a tattoo sometime this summer of 'Let the circle be unbroken' because that's the way I live my life" Mind

* * *

Jess and Jack were enjoying one of the last quiet afternoons they would have until Toni went back to Indiana without the music box. A few days before Jess had agreed to marry him and although it was a wish-fulfilling act, there were still aspects of their lives that were becoming increasingly dissatisfactory.

"I was thinking that after we get married I could adopt Michelina." His tone was very measured and she knew it wasn't a rash decision.

"I just said yes three days ago."

"This isn't the first time I thought of doing it."

"Colin will never relinquish his parental rights and, I promised not to ask him to."

"Why did you do that?"

"It was the only way he wouldn't go through with the custody proceedings."

"So he coerced you?"

"I have visions but a court won't understand that; they'll look at the psychiatric evaluation I had and call me disturbed. Not to mention my brother who's schizophrenic and doesn't have the best track record for co-operating with doctors. Even though I've cut back some, my job still takes up a lot of my time. No judge will look favourably on the conditions she lives in. I can't take that risk."

"So every time Colin wants something all he has to do is pull the crazy card and you'll comply?"

"He _is_ her father. I can't ignore that."

"So who am I?"

"The man I trust and want to spend my life with."

"I meant to her."

"Someone she loves and who loves her. I'm doing everything I can to make it work."

"It will never work if you continue to let someone else call the shots. You didn't even discuss that with me."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Be on my side, and then I'll agree with whatever you decide because I know it'll make _us_ happy."

"You're not happy?"

"Not when you put him before me. I love you and I hope the one I want to marry has the same priorities I have."

"Michelina's at the top of my list."

"This isn't about her and you know it, since when are they the same person?"

"I do not make Colin a priority."

"You don't even see it."

"I have a strong feeling you were about to do ten more squats." Nicole switched the free weights, taking the lighter ones from Jess and handing her heavier ones. That was something she didn't miss.

"Is that a hint or something?" Despite feeling snappy, Jess did them anyway while telling her about the new logistics of her domestic situation.

Nicole listened intently, determined not to dive in and start solving problems that weren't of her own creation. "If I was Jack _I'd_ want to know you were on my side. Men need that."

"Is that all you've got?"

"Jess, love is power and when you find a man who uses that power for good the worst thing you can do is let another man have power over you. It gets in the way of happiness and makes him feel passed over."

"Colin's always going to be around."

"He's her father, not your husband. I don't think it's fair that you have boundaries to Jack but Colin can trespass as much as he wants. He can only be so patient."

"God, you _have_ changed. Support me."

"I do. What do you want me to say? It's not my life."

"When you were gone I missed the way we talked; but this conversation was more supportive in my _mind_. Come on Nic, help me out."

"Helping people out is a job. It has to end sometime."

"Then why do you come to this gym every morning like it's the only one in D.C.?"

"It's free." She threw a towel over her shoulder. "I'll see you around Jess."

"You don't have to cry." Nicole said as Nina squeezed her tightly and slipped the ring off her finger behind her back. "Why aren't you at work?"

"I took the day off when I heard you were back. Where'd you go?"

"A lot of places."

"Well, you came back and that's all that matters. Why didn't you come straight here?"

"Ethan's party was more eventful that I anticipated and, I have something to tell you and I couldn't find the words."

"Just say you missed me. _Please_."

"I missed you Mom."

"Good. You don't have to say anything else."

Nicole brushed her mother's hair away from her face. "I do. I know that truth, more than anything, is the crux of our relationship and…"

"I have a gift for you and Antonio." Nina interrupted. "I don't know what took me so long to get round to it but…"

"Mom."

"Sorry. Go."

"One of the places we ended up in was Augusta, Georgia. She's still there."

"Who is?"

"April-Dawn Scott."

"That better be your baby's name."

Nicole rubbed the cross on her gold chain between her finger and thumb. "She gave me this."

"He said he lost that gambling in a club."

"He didn't want to pawn it when money was tight so he sent it back to her."

"Do you have any idea how much that woman subjected me to? I asked her to take you so you wouldn't have to wait in foster homes and do you know what that bitch said to me?"

"_Only if I adopt her_."

"That's right. You went through all that because she couldn't force me to sign you over."

"You played your part in it Mom."

"I thought we raked up those leaves a long time ago."

"That has nothing to do with my finding her. It wasn't easy but it's done."

"Keep her away from me. You should've told me. Then again, no you shouldn't. Tell me something else."

"You know Antonio misses your cooking; he had hallucinations of your Pecan Pumpkin Pie in the Island heat. He's done with the Bureau and now it's time to move on."

"You look smitten enough to drink lava for love's sake."

She smiled. "You think so?"

"Mm-hmm. I knew you'd get it right eventually. You know, work this love thing out.

Nina disappeared to the bedroom for a while and came back with a small jewellery box. "Do whatever you want with them, just don't give them back. I always had trouble keeping promises even the ones I made to myself. That's why I never promised you anything; so you couldn't say I let you down."

"You have your own life; you don't have to take care of me."

"I haven't built anything good around you to make you stay; that's why you left."

"I left because I was losing myself. I didn't feel whole and I thought I should. That's why I couldn't face all of you. That's what I was running from...but I came home."

Nina cried silently. "Yeah, you did."

Although he wasn't completely satisfied with Colin setting terms that would affect the rest of their lives, he was still the man with one hand in hers and the other holding her back as they danced to Mary J. Blige and K-Ci's "I don't want to do anything else", in a small church where her parents were married in Anderson, Indiana, less than a month later. Colin's absence relaxed him and Jess was relieved that finally she was no longer caught between the two.

Pollock succeeded in getting Nicole to cover for Jess why she was away, if only to convince her it was time to come back.

"Have you given it any more thought?"

"You know I love the job, that's unquestionable. What I need is to know my life is going somewhere, that it has meaning beyond the long hours, cases and wins. It's the difference between a calling and an obligation."

"Callings consist of obligations."

"What have we got?"

"Janelle Rice aged 20 of Seven Corners, Virginia, reported her 10-year-old brother Nathaniel missing this morning. He hasn't been seen since school finished and 3.15."

"Is she his legal guardian?"

"For twenty points, yes. How did you know?"  
"It's Spring Break; all the college kids are on beaches getting wasted at this time of year. Is she here?"

"She's at home with her two other siblings, Sabrina, eight and Chloe, five. Mom's in jail, Dad's terminally ill."

Dubai, UAE.

Jess peeled back the covers. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I just am."

"Don't be. We're here and that's all that matters."

"We have a whole life to plan."

"Or, we could let things unfold the way they should. I don't believe in playing by the rules when life doesn't."

"It sounds like you have it all figured out."

"I'm content with the unknown. Most of what we obsess over is irrelevant."

"I'm sorry I didn't put you first. It won't be like that anymore."

"It's in the past, we're married now."

"Then there's one last thing I have to tell you."

Seven Corners, VA.

"Do you want something to drink?" Janelle asked, tying up the twists in her hair.

"No I'm fine. What's Nathaniel like?"

"I can tell you've read his school reports and he _does_ have some issues with aggression but he's settled down. Nate's the kind to get lost in things; he doesn't know how to handle situations and easily gets frustrated. He's always had trouble expressing what he felt."

"Are his behavioural problems clinical?"

"He's not ADHD if that's what you mean. The truth is I can't afford to have him seen by a specialist. My job doesn't have those kinds of benefits."

"What do you do?"

"I'm an administrative assistant for Elwood and King but I work from home. That's how I got the expensive computer if you're wondering."

"What about the Internet? Do the kids have a webcam?"

"I use one for videoconferencing sometimes but I keep it in my room. Agent Scott,"

"Call me Nicole."

"Nicole, the computer's in the living room and I'm always here. I don't understand how my brother could be groomed right under my nose."

"Do you have any relatives or ex-boyfriends with grudges?"

"A couple. That's why we moved to Seven Corners; it's quiet here."

"Do you mind if I talk to your sisters?"

"Go ahead but you'll have trouble getting Chloe to focus; she's always on a tangent."

Hawthorne, D.C.

Kelly obeyed the skull and crossbones sign on his bedroom door and knocked first. He was playing a blue electric guitar with bubble headphones on.

"You said you'd do your homework." He pointed to the desk.

"You never said you have a trip coming up."  
"What?" He yelled before taking off the headphones.

"The trip to Philly."

"Yeah, it's to Liberty Bell and the Love monument."

"So why didn't you tell me?"

"I figured since you spent so much money on this, and the software, that you couldn't afford to send me."

"You don't know that. You should've asked me."

"You always get upset when you have to say no so I didn't ask."

"We're in D.C. now, things are different. I'll take care of it and don't ever hide something like this from me again, do you understand?" He nodded. "I'm glad you like your gifts; you deserve them."

Lorton, VA

"Thomas Strauss?"

"What ever you're selling I'm not buying." The door he tried to slap in her face returned with a vengeance, knocking him backwards.

"You haven't been to work in weeks Thomas, why?"

"I've been busy."

"Busy trailing the neighbourhood for new meat?" She rested her heel on his chest.

"I didn't do anything."

"You're supposed to be rehabilitated Thomas."

"I am!"

"You know the disgruntled postal worker gig is played out, right?"

"I'm good at my job. I even like it."

"I know; it opens a new world of victims who you see every day. Why Nathaniel? You thought his sister wouldn't miss him? That she's a nobody and no-one would care that her baby brother is missing?" She dragged him up off the floor and slammed him against the wall. "You're already on two strikes Thomas."  
"I've only been inside _once_."

"I'm sure you've got enough material in here to put you away for a long time. Where's your stash?"

"I don't have one."

"That's right; you go to the Internet Café to get your kicks."

"You can't prove that."

"Cookies. Not to mention that program you designed to hack into the Kingston Elementary student intranet. No wonder you haven't been to work, your hands were too busy. Where's the boy?" He kept his mouth shut. Out came the gun. "No-one will miss you, Tommy. Fine, be that way." His limp body fell to the floor after she struck him. She walked through the apartment, opening doors to any place of concealment. The door to the bathroom squeaked as she opened it and found Nathaniel Rice with his hands tied, naked in a bath of cold water.

She waited at the hospital, holding Janelle who was simultaneous falling apart and trying to hold it together, until she was allowed to see him. Pollock knocked on the door for once as she put the finishing touches to the report and was ready to go home.

"It's a part of you Nicole. 'Agent' isn't your name, it's your nature. It's the reason why you flew to Chicago as soon as you could, why you shot Sam Lewis and why you're here today; you were born to save others. And through that, you saved yourself."

"That's not true."

"_I_ am the arbiter of truth around here. Goodnight."

"Goodnight John."


	21. Painkillers

All good things come to an end folks...I've got exams in three weeks anyway (Got to get to Uni...yes I am that young.) As you know, I title the chapters very personally or I don't at all. Like Chapter 15 of "Untitled" I'll explain it at the bottom. Enjoy reading.

* * *

When Jess heard the familiar voice chatting away with a large group of male agents in the cafeteria she was relieved that at least one part of her life had returned to normal. Getting married had widened the gap between her and Colin; so much so that he didn't even spar with her anymore. The custody agreement seemed to have twisted the knife.

_Colin stared at the document on the table. Despite leaning make to appear unaffected, his eyes flickered as he read the conditions of the custody agreement._

_"It amounts to every second weekend and half of all holidays. When she starts school that'll mean a lot more, seeing as the school year has holidays of its own. For now it's just national."_

_He ordered an espresso to follow the cappuccino he was sipping at an irritatingly slow rate. "What's all this about calling first?"_

_"You can't just show up; unless it's an emergency."_

_"I want to meet her nanny."_

_"I'll introduce you the next time you pick her up."_

_"I can't take leave like this. I'm undercover."_

_"You mean you won't. I thought you had a permanent job."_

_"I thought we'd come to an understanding."_

_She grabbed the ballpoint pen, the custody agreement and her bag. "This is all a game to you."_

_"I'm not signing. You said you'd never bring up the adoption that's never going to happen, just so we're clear, so put **that** in writing."_

_"I'll do that after you call your imaginary lawyer and tell them I'm nuts. I give up."_

_"What?"_

_"Do it. If you want her so bad, win her the right way because I'm sick of giving in to you while you continue to hurt me."_

_"You've replaced me in my daughter's eyes and you're the one who's hurting? I chose that house."_

_"I made it a home."_

_"I gave you a baby."  
"I'm raising her."_

_"I gave you all of me."_

_"Just the pieces you could afford to lose; including Michelina."_

_"You have no idea how I feel about my daughter."_

_"You dangle her in front of me to give you control."_

_"I'm not like that."  
"You are. One day you'll see this crusade of yours and the sabotage that comes along with it wasn't for our daughter's sake; it was designed for you to destroy me and you can't. So sign the fucking papers and put us all out of our misery."_

_"You mean make your life easier. I won't disappear for you to live happily ever after and let her forget about me."_

_"I won't do that. I promise."_

_"You broke every promise you ever made to me. I don't trust you anymore." For some reason, that hurt her more than any insult and she didn't know why. "Can I look at it?" He took the paper without the pen._

She heard he was seeing someone but never followed up on it, all she saw of him was when he came to pick up or drop off their daughter. As strange as it was, she embraced the difference and moved on.

Nicole showed Jess to her new office which was bigger than her previous one. "How did Pollock get you back?"

"He said something I needed to hear, plus I was getting on Antonio's last nerve rearranging everything. He drew the line when I alphabetized his stash; that's grounds for divorce in his eyes."

"You're kidding."

"No. So here I am. Where are the pictures?"

"They're still being developed. Jumeirah Beach is paradise."

"Not that you saw that much of it." Jess' giggle was enough of a response. "So the clouds have cleared on the home front?"

"For the time being. Colin sent me a custody agreement, which I signed."

"Wow. That must've been hard."

"The less time we have to rehash the past the better, for both of us. He's taking her to New Hampshire this weekend."

"That's fascinating Mastriani." Pollock's silicone soles didn't fail him. "Welcome back, blah, blah, blah; you're needed in Preston, Maryland. Marcus Miller was reported missing by his brother and business partner Ryan when he missed, and I quote, 'the most important meeting of our lives'. Their records are so clean you could eat off them and they're both active in the community."

"So who would want to hurt Mr. Nice Guy?" Jess asked.

"I pay you to find out."

"Any ideas?" She asked Nicole who was daydreaming.

"Oh, there's only so much records can tell us."

"Yeah right. Spill."

"Promise you won't say anything."

"Cross my heart."

"Kelly hasn't returned my calls and I'm worried. Ethan called to say he was leaving and she didn't come to the phone."

"Maybe she wasn't there."

"She was. He's a terrible liar."

"Don't think the worst; there are a million reasons why, _good_ reasons."

"I hope so. Let's track his movement for the past few days, see if anything comes up."

Preston, MD

A woman in her late fifties lifted the foccacia out of the stone bake oven and greeted the elderly man who was waiting. "Here Joe, take it while it's warm." She folded the box and let the steam flow upwards before closing it.

"What'll it be Betsy?"

"I'll settle for a kiss." She said coquettishly and he reached across the counter and kissed her cheek.

Jess watched him leave before initiating a conversation. "Elizabeth Garret?"

"It's Betsy. That name's older than I am."

"I came to ask about Marcus Miller."

"Is he in trouble?" Betsy asked, staring at Jess' badge.

"No, we're trying to find him, should he be?"

"I've known those boys since before they were born and butter wouldn't melt. Charlotte craved my flatbread so she came here three times a week, come rain or shine, even after the pregnancy. You know, just to say hello. Marcus came in here last week; he ordered a basket of muffins to that fancy advertising firm. All to impress that girl."

"Do you know her name?"

"I handwrite the cards myself; Graciela. I suppose it worked because I haven't seen him since."

Annandale, MD

"Graciela Simões?" Nicole walked beside the woman whose heals clicked against the floor with a fast beat she was walking to.

"I don't have time to stop."

"Marcus Miller, does that name ring a bell?"

"No."

"You spent the night with him at the Forrester Hotel in St. Marys City, then sped out of there in a Red Corvette at five a.m. Why?"

Graciela stopped walking. "Can we go to my office?"

"No. We're going to mine."

"Please, I can't leave; we have a huge account and I already lost hours, precious hours, with Marcus."

"Why did you run?"

"We got carried away. I see him everyday at the Coffee Shop; my apartment is above their office. I never had time for him. Always on the go. Then he sent me those muffins with a card that said, 'Make life a little sweeter'. It meant a lot to me."

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know. I had to get back to work so I left without saying anything. When you find him, let me know."

"Why?"

"I think I love him."

Washington D.C.

"We've got nothing." Nicole stated the obvious. A fax fed through the machine.

"We do now, local PD found just found a deserted car in Mechanicsville. They've identified Marcus. He's unconscious. There's no sign of blunt force trauma or damage to the car."

"So he either fell asleep behind the wheel or fainted."

"Are the medical records still around?"

"No. Why?"

"_Make life a little sweeter._ That was written on the card."

"It's also the slogan of the Miller brothers' catering company."

"I think he's diabetic."

"That would explain the fainting; a drop in his blood sugar levels could have caused that."

Nina whistled the Staple Sisters' "Let's do it again" with the bliss that came from the peace of not telling Nicole about the engagement. The truth was; she got engaged to be engaged with no concrete thoughts of marriage in sight. Her desire to go back to that old ball and chain, as she called it, was as great her want to drink paint and the only marriage she was interested in was her daughter's.

"I didn't know I had an audience." She said to Antonio who was waiting in the doorway.

"I didn't know you had a ring."

"This old thing?" She said unconvincingly. "Think nothing of it. Why are you being so secretive about your plans?"

"Superstition."

"I thought you believed in facts."

"My life hasn't followed a plan for a long time."

"Would that time date back to meeting Nicole?"

"Life's never predictable with her around. She gave me these rings and I want to know why."

On seeing them Nina asked, "Do you mind if I smoke?"

"A lot but it's your office."

"Those rings belonged to me and Ray."

"Oh. What does it mean for us?"

"She wants you to bear her past while she deals with the present. It's a sign; she's shed a skin to build something that lasts forever because we didn't."

Hawthorne, D.C.

_"Hold my hand." Nicole's arm reached up to the top bunk bed. Kelly's hand reached down and linked with hers. "Close your eyes."_

_"This is weird."_

_"Just do it."  
"Okay."_

_"Where are we?"_

_"In a palace with our initials on the gates. There's two of everything, even the four-post beds and dessert trays, and you never have to ask for anything. No-one ever says no."_

_"Where is it?"_

_"Anywhere but here." Kelly's hand became looser as she fell asleep. Nicole took her arm back and felt around in the dark for where the wound was and wondered when the bleeding would stop._

The steam from the pot rose and curled in the air. "It's Lemon tea; grown folks' lemonade." Kelly recognised her effort to cheer her up but couldn't force herself to smile. "Why didn't you tell me Benny came to see you?"

"I had to face him sometime, by myself. I can't have you fighting my battles for me; you never could protect me anyway."

"Kelly,"

"I didn't say it to be mean and I'm not angry, it's just a fact. Can you help me fix this place up? Ethan gets back to school at 10pm."

"Sure." They each took an end of the blanket and threw it over the sofa.

"We both want the same things for Ethan but we have different ways of going about it. Like how you've always needed school or work to keep you grounded; I need Ethan. I wish you'd respect that."

"I think you're a great mother."

"You don't respect me as Kelly, not just Ethan's mom." Silence cascaded on the room and Nicole had no idea how to defend herself.

"I admit it was easier to look away, to walk away, when you were at your worst, but I always loved you and I thought that was all you needed from me."

"I needed to know that if you had met me in high school or college or buying shoes at mall, you would've been my friend, even if you weren't my sister first."

"We can't take back what bound us Kell, for better or worse, but if we could; I'd hope so because it wasn't just school or work; I never wanted to mess up because of you. I needed you to look up to me, to feel worthy." Nicole was the first to cry. "I love you." She said, wiping her tears.

"Nothing can break my sister, she's strong as stone. Whenever I am with her,"  
"I never feel alone." Nicole recited the words that dated back so long ago. "She'd never believe she's the best I've ever known, so I wrote this poem now it's written, heard and known. You remembered?"

"I'll never forget." It was Kelly's turn to cry.

_Months later._

Jess resisted the urge to pick up Michelina who at age two was having a diva-fit and embodied the 'it's my party and I'll cry if I want to' philosophy. When she saw Colin she couldn't hide her bump or the uneasy expression on her face, so she didn't try to avoid him. She remembered that it wasn't always this way and their relationship would keep on changing though one fact wouldn't. In all his anger and hurt he still held a special albeit strange love for her that was conscious of its contradictions and didn't cause him pain anymore. He stopped feeding off the energy she expended in fighting with him and going in circles that left them both infuriated. There was calm between them, a calm marked by the few words they exchanged and passion they shared about their daughter, but when that calm wouldn't suffice they had people to turn to; people who reminded them of love at its best and most fulfilling. For her, that person was Jack and her heart wouldn't let her forget it.

Whenever a case ran into the night and going home or going out weren't options, Nicole would go to Georgetown and watch Antonio work passionately on things her mind couldn't comprehend at the university. She wasn't as interested as she said she was whenever he showed her something in a microscope or tried to put his research in explicable terms; she lived to see him driven by something within, something as inexplicable as it was meaningful; purpose. They shared times when he loved her as though she didn't have a past and she loved him without rationale or fear; it had a healing effect on them both, and their marriage. That painkiller was enough to fill each day they had gone without each other before with a love that bound like superglue and sealed the cracks. It made them whole.

Kelly justified every lie she ever told Ethan because she was protecting him until he was strong enough to face it and decide for himself and took comfort in knowing she wasn't alone; one person would know where she was coming from and at least try to understand. The scars they wore fought to bleed out the poison and they hurt less and less with time.

* * *

**I named this chapter Painkillers because that's the power we all have and what we can all be to each other. I believe just one in life (if you've got more you're fortunate) is all we need to survive whatever we've experienced in the past or are still going through. Their effects are powerful and long-lasting. Just my take. Peace. **


End file.
